The FREE Giveaway!

Tuesday, 31 December 2013


“The Lord is like a shoving leopard,” spoonerised Sid.
“That’s one of Reverend Spooner’s spoonerisms,” corrected Arthur.
“So, so is ‘Here are my nephew and niece Steak and Kidney’.”
Arthur groaned a, “Kate and Sidney you mean.”
“A roonerspism is a spoonerism of spoonerism.”
“Say boodgye.”
“But we aren’t finished yet?”
“I am I’m tired, after all it is 12:45 am on January the 1st.”
“But now it is 12:46 as this is being typed in.”
“Teing byped in?”
“That’s not a good or funny spoonerism.”
“What is a good and funny spoonerism then?”
“Bappy hirthday?”
“Funny, not.”
“Tube Rude?”
“Ing Karthur?”
Arthur shook his head.
“I know.”
“Go on then, don’t leave us in suspense.”
“Nappy You Here.”
“That’s not funny!”
“It is now the Author has dressed you in a nappy!”
And I had. Happy New Year everyone!

(This should only really be read near or just after New Year.)

Monday, 30 December 2013

The last short story.

"This is the last short story," said Arthur quite wrongly.
"You're quite wrong," Sid mirrored the Author, "there's at least one more."
"Seeing the Author in the mirror would be quite disconcerting really."
"Disconcerting," mused Sid, "sounds a bit like a man called Ing doing a concert and somebody commenting on it."

Sunday, 29 December 2013

Mooncash coffee

"This coffee is rubbish," moaned Arthur as he sat in the Mooncash coffee house that had been created especially for the Arth series characters on precinct 11.
"Some like it hot," replied Sid.
"Are we doing film titles now?" Arthur asked.
"If you think you're funny enough."
"That's a website for comedians isn't it?"
"Yes it is, but you still haven't replied to my film title yet."
"The good, the bad and the ugly."
"I'm the good, you're the bad, who's the ugly?"
"The coffee was bad, you're the ugly." Arthur waited for Sid to both calm down a bit and say another film title that might be funny in some way.
"The fast and the furious."
"That sounds a bit like you running after me with your battle axe."
"What I want to know," wondered Sid as he handled his battle axe, "is why you are getting all the punch lines and not me?"
"Maybe the Author wanted you to chase me with your axe as a bit of light relief." said Arthur as he ran away from the axe wielding dwarf.
"I'll give you a bit of light relief, I'll relieve your head from your shoulders," shouted Sid as he chased the king while brandishing his axe.

Saturday, 28 December 2013

A story in a sentence

"A story in a sentence," postulated Arthur.
"You can't do a story in a sentence, it's more like a statement," replied Sid.
"Dark and wild was the moor upon which the Jabberwocky died," tried to write a short story in a sentence Arthur.
"You haven't proved your point. Maybe you could write a short story in a sentence if you didn't use any full stops."
"But you couldn't tweet it, 140 characters or less."
"But at least in a tweet you can use a full stop."
"I think that's what we need to do now."
"Come to a full stop."

Friday, 27 December 2013

The Joke

While Sid and Arthur were in the queue for snacks the king of the Britons asked the dwarf a question, "What's black, white and red all over?" asked Arthur.
"A newspaper, sunburnt penguin, nun with a knife in her back or a panda with scarlet fever..." replied Sid thinking that he had listed all of the variations he had heard or made up.
"No, a zebra with..." but he couldn't think of anything that could make a zebra red.
"A blushing zebra?" tried to help out Sid.
Arthur got angry, "I could have come up with that Sid, why did you have to say it, I am funny you know."
"Yeah, as funny as a peach in pyjamas," derided the diminutive dwarf.

Thursday, 26 December 2013

Sid did a funny face

Sid did a funny little face to keep her smiling.
Gwinda gave the puttlewhack to Gwindolene, "Put this on the mantelpiece for me," she asked.
As Gwindolene placed the puttlewhack on the mantelpiece she rhymed, "Momma had a puttlewhack she also had some ants, she put them on the mantelpiece to see if they would dance..."
They all laughed.
Gwinda forgave him (though she shouldn't really have held anything against him because she couldn't really remember) after all it was the end of the story.

Wednesday, 25 December 2013


She opened the puttlewhack, "What is it?" she asked as she looked at him with eyes that could melt steel.
"That description makes her sound like Cyclops from the X-Men." But still he ducked in case red lasers did appear from her eyes. "It's a puttlewhack. They send them to the end of time then bring them back again so they can say that our love will last to the end of time."
"The people who make them."
"She softened a little, but not as much as melted ice cream. "Well, I suppose it is a little romantic."
"A little romantic," mused Sid, "could it be a small facial twitch suffered by Julius Caesar?"

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Time Freeze

Sid stood there, "Come on then Author, stop the time freeze, I'll catch my death of cold."
"It's not a literal freeze," replied I.
"A literal freeze, that sounds a bit like a professor of Literature in the ice compartment of a fridge."
So he wouldn't try to make up any more jokes I put a smile on Gwinda's face, put the clocks back, and set things going again.
"Ooh Sid, it's our anniversary!" she smiled.
"I know, I have a present for you," he handed her the puttlewhack.
Her smile dropped a little as she looked him in the eye, "It's a bit small."
"You said you liked small things, that's why you married me!"

Monday, 23 December 2013


"It is instantaneous," replied I, "it's just that I haven't had the time to complete the story in one day."
Sid shook his head.
Then Gwinda came in, "What are you doing here?" she said quite grumpily.
"Hah, and you call me the grumpy one," he countered her remark, well not countered...
She slapped her woman's magazine on the chair-side table.
Sid looked a little bothered, "Can't you use another synonym for little? And not small!" he said in a height conscious way.
Sid looked slightly bothered.
"And you should be a little bothered Sid," she fumed at him. "You've forgotten our anniversary haven't you. Swanning around saving the seven dimensions with old la-de-da Arthur and you can't even be bothered to come home to see me! On our anniversary!"
"B-but I..." he began, but didn't have time to finish.
"No buts, you know I don't like buts," she sat there with crossed arms.
"Now then Author," whispered Sid to me, "you know perfectly well that I got that puttlewhack in good time for our anniversary. It's you messing around that has got me into trouble."
"So you think I should do a time freeze, set the clocks back and put a smile on Gwinda's face?"
"At least."
So I did.

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Nick Nack Puttlewhack

"Nick nack puttlewhack igga dogga bone," sang Sid. Which gave me an idea.
"A puttlewhack can be a nick nack," smiled I as Sid walked through the shimmering portal into his garden.
"So you still didn't know what one was until just then?" he peoned the door just like he did in The Crying Pennant.
"I have had a chance to think about it since last night. A puttlewhack is an ornament that is sent to the end of time, then retrieved just before everything collapses so that it can be sold as a love memento."
"I know, that's why I bought it."
Gwindolene came up to give him a kiss on the cheek, "Hello dad, did you get the puttlewhack?"
"How did you know I was getting a puttlewhack?"
"I read the Author's blog last night."
This shocked Sid, "Let's hope your mother didn't." Then he spoke to me, "I thought IWT travel was supposed to be instantaneous?"

Saturday, 21 December 2013

The End of Time Present

Vending machines within precinct 12 automatically transported chocolate, crisps and soft drinks from the robot confectionery factory housed on precinct 7 straight into the machines for sale. When I say for sale I mean each new visitor to the Time Backwater was given a ration coupon card to be used while there. They were allowed a certain amount of chocolate, soft drinks and snacks per day. If they wanted anything else they had to pay for it in credits. This could be quite difficult for time travellers from the past who had no credits. They would trade personal items for food etc the longer they had to stay. In the past the gnomes stole food from the food transfer machines, now they had maintenance jobs and spare credits to spend so they bought it instead.
Sprocket had even set up a sort of trading shop where he swapped credits for personal items. A man who had travelled to the precinct in a blue box had traded a watch for 1,000 credits. Now this may make you think that it was Doctor Who, but it wasn't. The blue box was about the size of a coffin and the traveller had to lay down in it to travel.
The next customer to enter the shop was Sid the dwarf.
Looking at the dwarf Sprocket recognised him, "The Author writing some short stories for the holiday period?" he guessed.
Sid nodded as he looked over Sprocket's stock, (try saying that 5 times while standing on your head and drinking a cup of water!) "Got anything new?"
"This old watch," said the gnome as he offered it to Sid to have a look.
"That's an old watch, I want something from the future."
"How far into the future?"
"Oh, I don't know, from the end of time?"
This confused Sprocket, "Why do you want something like that?"
"I don't really, it's part of the story."
"Not another MacGuffin?"
"No, that was yesterday's story."
Soooo...can you tell me why you want it?"
Sid looked at his portable reading device, "Er, it says on my script that I need to ad lib this bit."
"Well go on then."
"Ad lib."
"Iiiiii.... need it for my anniversary."
"I said to my wife, you know, Gwinda, that our love would last until the end of time."
"And you want something from the end of time to prove that?"
"Yes, I think."
"The only thing I can think of that may match your requirements is a puttlewhack."
"What's a puttlewhack?"
"This," said Sprocket as he showed Sid the puttlewhack.
Now the Author didn't know what a puttlewhack looked like to describe it so he needed to think for a bit

After three lines, and a bit of thought, the Author sort of came up with an idea.
"Oh," ohed Sid, "I'll take it. Can you wrap it please, so I can give it to her when I get back yesterday."
I still did not really know what a puttlewhack was but whatever it was Sprocket wrapped it in a smallish box and handed it to Sid. "1,000 credits please."
"For a puttlewhack!" exasperated Sid.
"That's cheap for something that the Author still has to make up."
Sid wasn't really bothered about the price seeing as he had a Tribelium Plated card, and the Author had topped it up especially for this little story.
Taking the card the gnome scanned it and then returned it to the dwarf. "Thank you for your custom."
"And thank you for the puttlewhack," thanked Sid as he exited the shop and went into the precinct proper. He used his IWT to transport back to the Fantasy Dimension.

Friday, 20 December 2013


"What is a MacGuffin?" asked Sid.
"Anything you want," answered Arthur. "The definition of a MacGuffin is, 'a plot device in the form of some goal, desired object, or other motivator that the protagonist pursues, often with little or no narrative explanation as to why it is considered so important.'"
"So something that is non important like you?"
"I didn't say it was non important. Only that you don't know why it's so important."
"It sounds a bit like a substitute swear word doesn't it?"
"It also sounds like a McDonut's meal of some kind." Sid looked around, "So where is this MacGuffin that the story is about?"
"Maybe the MacGuffin is the MacGuffin?"
"I think you're a chuffin MacGuffin."
Just then a stuffed puffin fell from the ceiling of precinct 12, "Lookie that," lookied Sid, "A chuffin puffin MacGuffin!"
(Do you think I could work a toasted muffin in there somewhere? I wondered, but nobody took me up on it.)

Thursday, 19 December 2013

Work in Progress

"WIP," began Arthur as he sat upon the park bench in the middle of precinct 12 sipping a puggleberry shake.
"What do you want to whip?" asked Sid the dwarf who sat by him eating a reflection bar.
"I meant Work in Progress."
"I couldn't tell the difference between you saying whip and WIP. Can't you put a bit of a huh in the whip?"
"A bit like wuh-hip."
"Yeah, that'll do."
"I sound like somebody trying to be hip or cool."
"It is unusual for you, but wonders will never cease to amaze me." Sid looked at Arthur's shake, "Do you mean his shaking hands or his drink Author?" he asked me.
"His drink, I never noticed his hands shaking."
"Are his hands shaking?"
Arthur's hands were shaking.
"Why are your hands shaking?" Sid asked Arthur.
"Don't you know?"
"Well this shake is extremely cold."
"What is a puggleberry anyway?"
"I don't know, it tastes a bit like a cross between a plum and a strawberry."
"It should really be called a plumberry then."
"A plumberry," mused Arthur, "that sounds a bit like a rich toff wearing a beret."
Sid shook his head and took another bite of his reflection bar, "Roll on tomorrow's story," he sighed.

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Holiday Pun Battle

"So what shall we pun about?" asked Arthur.
"Happy holidays," replied Sid.
"Just holidays, so people can read this short story all year."
"So you expect people to read this short story all year?"
"If you can be funny enough."
"Why...." Arthur picked up something to hit Sid with.
"May day,"
"Who are you asking to rescue you?" asked Arthur as he refrained from hitting Sid on the head with a wet fish.
"That's the holiday pun, your turn."
"Oh," thought Arthur as he dropped the fish. "I think I had better punch you instead."
"Boxing day?"
"Wait until the day before Saturday, the weather is supposed to be excellent."
"Good Friday?"
"I think I need a vacation from this story."
"Leave then."
"Annual leave?"
"Oh. Er, I like that heavy rock group that sang 'Paranoid'."
"Who was that then?"
"Black Sabbatical?"
"I know why you like that song, it's because you are paranoid. Let's go and get some money for a slap up fish dinner."
"We can't."
"The banks are closed. It's a bank holiday."
Just then this short story ended quite abruptly.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

The Time Sid and Arthur Appeared.

Sid and Arthur appear.
“Very descriptive Author,” moaned Sid, “it’s a wonder that you don’t blow everyone’s minds with your great descriptions.”
“Now steady on Sid,” intoned Arthur, “we mustn't insult him too much, or he might make us stop existing.”
“And kill the cash cow?”
“Cash cow!”
“Well, cash beef burger maybe.”
I thought I would describe their situation a little better…
“Situation,” fretted Arthur, “I didn't know we were going to be in a situation. I shall have to complain to the funny character’s union, I wasn’t expecting so much overtime at Christmas, I wanted to spend it with my family.”
“Arianne you mean,” commented I.
“So you don’t want to be in this story then?”
“How much money will I be getting?”
“I thought you did these things for love not money.”
Sid piped up, but not with pipes, “He’s just being lazy, he doesn’t want to do any work really, for love nor money.”
Arthur blustered.
“Stop blustering Arthur, you sound like a storm coming in from the east.”
“Well!” welled Arthur as he fell down a well.
“Take him out of the well Author then you will un-well him.”
Arthur grimaced as he was un-welled.
“Grimacing now eh?” queried Sid, “next you’ll be chuntering and moaning.”
The king of the Britons tried to stop chuntering and moaning but he found it very hard with two of us ganging up on him. “That’s it, I am going for a rest break, I’m sick of this.” He stormed off of the set while chuntering and moaning.
“Right now let’s get on with this situation,” ordered Sid as he looked about him.
So, I again attempted to describe their, his, situation. I had not actually thought of anything, seeing as this was only supposed to be a simple short story.
“Do you need some help with where I am Author?” Sid asked me.
“Oh, go on then.”
“We could be in those droplet things that you have just incarcerated Lizzie McBean in, in Attack on Thera?”
“How did Arthur just walk through them and off the set then?”
“They are supposed to be props.”
“And what’s that well doing in the prison?”
“They need to get water from somewhere.”
“I just use a tap. A well isn’t very sci-fi is it.”
“Where do you want us to be then?”
“Somewhere in the Time Backwater, somewhere you haven’t been yet.”
“Good, so where is it then, seeing as I haven’t been there yet?”
“The swimming pool.”
And as I said that Sid fell into the swimming pool of precinct 12.
“Glub,” he glubbed being totally unprepared for such an event. “I’ll drown, I’m still in me chain armour.”
I changed his clothes into a one-piece swimming costume, he floated up from the bottom.
As he bobbed around in the water he asked, “What was that situation again?”
A shark appeared from a gate at the end of the pool.
“A SHARK!!!” exclaimed Sid as he frantically swam towards the side to try to get out before he was eaten. His little legs did not appear to be working too well and he looked like he might get eaten.
At that juncture Arthur popped his head around the pool doors, “Did you want me to get you a cup of coffee Sid,” he asked, then spotted Sid.
“You fool,” shouted Sid as giant spots appeared on his bathing costume, “don’t spot me, shoot the shark with your electric pistol.
“But er…” butted Arthur.
“DO IT!”
Arthur shot the shark, missed, and a giant arc of electricity hit the water shocking both Sid and the shark. The jolt to the little dwarf’s system meant he shot to the side of the pool and jumped out. His hair was frizzy. He was very angry with Arthur, “Nincompoop.”
“Now, now,” smirked Arthur as he waved his electric pistol, “I did save you.”
“You may have done, but now I have frizzy hair!” As he grabbed his hair a clump of it fell out.
“Well you know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow.”
Sid chased after him as he ran back towards the canteen.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Today's story is...

Today's story is...
"Is what?" asked Sid.
"Is still to be written?" thought I.
"Are you thinking again Author? You know that's a dangerous thing for you to do."
"Are you being funny again Sid? You know that's a dangerous thing for you to do."
"Using italics to denote emphasis again are you, you know if you do it too much it looks like you're thinking."
"So this looks like I'm thinking?"
"Well it would've done if you hadn't surrounded it in brackets. Mmm..." he thought, "surrounded in brackets, that sounds a little like stock falling on you in the bracket section of a hardware store."

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Two Sid's

Sid ran over to the hologram creation hub. He tapped some parameters into it, "Parameters shamameters," he moaned, "come on, hurry up." Another Sid the dwarf appeared in front of him.
"Two Sid the dwarves," said I, "why is that Sid?"
"I am hoping that two Sid's is funnier than one."
"Are what? Or are you trying to be a pirate 'Arrrr!'"
"Sid, it's getting close to Christmas, talking like a pirate day was months ago."
"So instead of saying yo ho ho, I should be saying ho ho ho?"
"That sounds about right."
"So what about me?" asked the second Sid.
"So so so," so'd I.
"Sounds like a slave driver in a sweatshop," joked the real Sid.

Saturday, 14 December 2013

TTB story one

I was up too late last night changing the story round for Attack on Thera. Tried to plan a few ideas for it today but I really need to sit down quietly and put my imagination to work.

I will try to write a Sid and Arthur short story every day until the 31st. Some stories will be shorter than others.

Somewhere in the Time Backwater, where Fayebaloo and Splob have now (if you can have a now in the Time Backwater) made their home. They wanted to be quite close to the pneuma lifts so that they could listen to the music. They no longer had to steal from the acquisition machines and life was pretty decent, they even had proper jobs. Fayebaloo fixed broken droids and she had the head of one in her hands, "Alas poor Yorick..." she began to quote.
"Began to quote," said Sid, "that sounds a bit like an estate agent who just goes to give a quote and something happens to him or her."
Fayebaloo dropped the head, "Yikes!" she yiked, "I thought you were Splob. What are you doing in our home?"
"I came to see you."
"Don't you knock?"
"Only my knees sometimes, in desperate situations, but I don't like to confess that too often in case they think I'm a coward."
"Noel Coward?"
"No El, that sounds either like Superman's cousin or someone who is related to Santa Claus."
She picked the head up again and then asked him, "So is this visit for any other reason than the Author wanted to write a short funny story to give away free over Christmas?"
Sid thought for a bit then he pondered, "No."
"I think you'll have to make it a bit funnier than that."
"No blurple?"
"What's blurple got to do with it?"
"It's a funny word so that makes it funnier."
"Sillier if you ask me."
"I didn't."
"Ask you."
"Well maybe you should have, or at least knocked before you turned up."
"Shall I do the knocking thing again Author?" he asked me.
"You didn't knock the first time," said I, "that's why she's complaining."
"But you had me appear here, so it's your fault."
"Your fault," mused I, "that sounds like something my mother-in-law would say to me, especially over Christmas."
Sid and Fayebaloo looked at each other and did that hand sign that lets people know that 'he's a bit mad' before I made him vanish again until the next short story.

Friday, 13 December 2013

The North Pole

I wrote about 300 words of Attack on Thera today, on my iPad. I wasn't planning to but I did. I am sending Lizzie to the North Pole. Now to understand that reference it would be good if you had read The Sun Thief.

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Valve scam

I managed to finish typing in chapter 4 of SAASA today. Haven't had chance to put it on Wattpad yet. Have had to do all of my reTweeting on an iPad.

Today I found out about a new type of scam, sort of. The other day my wife went out in the car and got a puncture. Somebody helped her pump it up (the funny thing was that when it went down again at her mother's the neighbour offered to help her and it turned out to be the same man!) and she was able to get home. Today when it went down it was too bad. I managed to pump it up but the valve appeared faulty. It got me round to my brother-in-law's garage and my son-in-law got me a replacement. When he replaced the valve I told him that my tyre and two of the tyres of different neighbours had also gone flat in the past week. He told me about a sort of scam where scrap metal collectors let down tyres on purpose. If they still find the tyres flat after a few days then they ask at the owner's houses to see if they want to sell the car.

When he checked my old valve it appeared as though somebody had tried to remove it already with the wrong kind of tool.

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Seal it up properly.

I typed in another 1,000 words of SAASA today. Also did about 200 words of planning for the end of Attack on Thera, it will need more planning to seal it up properly. Seal it up properly sounds like making sure you have enough performing seals to make the stage play work!

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

I should do some...

I managed to type in 1,000 words today. Need to put some onto Wattpad, thanks for reminding me. Have been thinking that I should do some Sid and Arthur short stories over Christmas. I might be able to give them away on Smashwords afterwards.

Today's joke is:

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

Monday, 9 December 2013

Washed Out

I typed in about 1,000 words of SAASA today, put 200 words of it on Wattpad. Also wrote about 50 words that might go into chapter 5. Still felt a little washed out after being ill yesterday.

Today's joke is

Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs!

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Yesterday's Punchline

I typed in 200 words of SAASA chapter three and put it on Wattpad. Also put the full, as yet unproofed, version of The Victoria Conspiracy and Attack on Thera on Wattpad.

"So you want me to say something funny?" said Sid.
"Something funny?" I replied.
"No I'm supposed to say something funny, not you."
"Go on then."
"Say something funny."
"Something funny..."
"Now that's the kind of humour that has made me an internationally unrecognised Author."
"More fool you, you should have let me do the punchline."
"Go on then."
"Two boxers in a ring, what does one say to the other?"
"You do the punchline?"
"That is the punchline."
"The punchline is 'you do the punchline'?"
Sid just walked away without even replying and thought I wish I was in the ring with the Author, I'd show him the punchline then!

Friday, 6 December 2013


I was poorly today when I came back from town so I went to bed. I did type in about 200 words of SAASA and put it on Wattpad this morning. I am going to not do any writing tonight. I am going back to doing 500 words a day and having Saturday and Sunday off. Only if I don't hit the target will I do any writing on Saturday. I only need to do 200 words to finish chapter 4 of SAASA, then I can turn it into OWIA 16. I plan to do something else next week such as proof The Victoria Conspiracy or maybe revise what I have done for Attack on Thera.

Today's joke is:

Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?

Because his friend said, 'Dinner on me'!

Thursday, 5 December 2013

LMB if you know what I mea...

So today my greenhouse blew a piece of perspex out. A piece of perspex hit the Sky LMB and snapped the holding ring, I've had to fix it with Sellotape for now, and my dustbins fell over. I was praying in the bath that my windows on the greenhouse wouldn't blow out, that was one of the problems it is supposed to have. I didn't finish putting that one in properly the other night. It now has a chip in one of the corners. I felt a bit of a failure that my stuff had fallen apart after prayer. I sort of prayed that other people's slates wouldn't fall off etc. I did not watch the news (after all the LMB did break when I started watching it) until tonight. My small events were nothing compared to the whole east side of the country!

I did manage to write 500 words of SAASA and type in about 200. Also put about 150 words of it on Wattpad. Also started revising and editing Attack on Thera. Queen Victoria is no longer rescued half way through but now at the end. (Which means she isn't rescued yet seeing as I haven't finished the end!)

Today's joke is:

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

About 30 words off

I just about wrote 500 words of SAASA today, about 30 words off. Typed about 120 words in and put what I typed in yesterday on Wattpad. Tried to plan it a bit more and read a scene from TST to see if I could make it funny.

Today's joke is:

Where does bad light go?

To prism!

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Misdirectional pun

I typed in about 120 words of SAASA and wrote another 600 just finishing at about 11 PM. Didn't like the funniness but left it on a good misdirectional pun. Also found out that I was getting confused with the story, I hope that adds to the humour.

Today's joke is:

What do you call an illegally parked frog?


Monday, 2 December 2013


I managed to write 500 words of chapter four of Sid and Arthur's Steampunk Adventure. I also put OWIA 10 on Amazon with the new beginning, I tried to make it more readable/funnier. Typed in 220 words of SAASA chapter 3. Felt better about not being pushed to do it as I felt when doing the NaNo Managed all of my ReTweets!

Today's joke is:

Did you hear about the angry pancake?

He just flipped!

Saturday, 30 November 2013

Done :)

So I managed to finish the NaNoWriMo yesterday, 50,186 words. Now I can relax a bit. It still isn't finished though it needs another 10,000 words and an edit or a rewrite. :)

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Na No Na No Na No

I finished the NaNo word count at 4 minutes to twelve!! I still feel as though it is too higgledy piggledy.

Had a bit of a nightmare last night. I was driving in a car drinking a cup of coffee and I swung the car round...

(That reminds me, I heard that the government had done a U turn on a U turn. I thought that would create an S bend, but my wife thought it might just be a roundabout instead!)

Today's joke is:

How do you describe an annoyed pig?


Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Stressed Initially

I got stressed initially and only did 200 words before I went out. In the car, on the iPad I typed in 1,000 words then did the rest at home in bed. That means I finished earlier tonight and was able to relax more and properly do my retweets.

Today's joke is:

Did you hear the one about the geologist?

He took his wife for granite so she left him!

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Just did it

I only just managed to hit the target today for the NaNo. I was so busy with other things that I only just got to the word count at two minutes to twelve. I always knew this would be the worst week because I am busier at the end of the month than at the beginning. I will try to do extra tomorrow. At least while I was walking I had chance to think about where the story went next and was able to write 1,200 words off the back of it :)

Today's joke is:

Two clowns eating soup. One looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Monday, 25 November 2013

No target

I have had a headache all day. Managed to write 600 words for the NaNo then tried to sleep a bit, but didn't feel better after. Then wrote another 200 words. After I did my round I managed to write another 300 words but I don't think I will hit the target for today :(

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Dr Who

Just managed to do the word count for the NaNo at 11:53. Whew! Once adding all of the words up though I am fifty words down, because I have rewritten some stuff and it is shorter so I need to add fifty words before the end. This will mean something when I am going for validation of the NaNoWriMo on the 30th of November. I was so close to the mark tonight because I watched the Dr Who special.

Friday, 22 November 2013

I forgot

So I forgot to write my blog yesterday :0 I was so concerned with Tweeting and typing in an extra 250 words of TVC that I forgot. (That was on top of finishing the word count for the NaNo and typing in another 1,000 words of TVC.)

So tonight I am writing my blog earlier. I have completed the word count for today's NaNo and am planning to type the last 800 words or so of the end of TVC.

Today's joke is :

Why are frogs so happy?

Because they eat whatever bugs them!

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Working in the dark

I managed to catch up with what I didn't do yesterday!!! I also typed in the rest of chapter 10 and put that and 11 on my Facebook group. I am so glad I caught up and did some other typing. I was writing the last 1,000 words in the dark, in the car on my iPad. Maybe I should do that more!

Today's joke is:

What do you call a three footed aardvark?

A yardvark!

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Catch up

Because I typed in 1,000 words of chapter 9 of TVC I didn't get a lot else done. I had to pick my son up, then go to my daughter's, then take her to night school. Drop my son off, pick my wife up, buy tea etc. I did about 3 pages of planning at my daughter's which I needed to do because I needed to know how I was going to start the story. Managed to write 900 words of Attack on Thera while they were out. I will have to try to catch up tomorrow!

Today's joke is:

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

Monday, 18 November 2013

Fastest book ever...

I finished my book today! The second book in the Theran Chronicles. Which means I start the third book tomorrow. The small plan (2 pages) I did of the third one before I finished the second looks like it will have to be scrapped based on the ending of the second book. I typed in 500 words and wrote the rest on paper in bed to allow my wife to use the PC for a piece of work for Uni. Also managed to type in 570 words of chapter nine. I did wake up late with a headache that lasted all day, so I am pleased I did the word count and finished the book. The fastest book I've ever written!

Today's joke is:

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed!

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Ye Olde Shambles Tea Shoppe

I managed to write 720 words this morning before I left for work. Wrote 100 words on my break at Relish, then another 100 words at the NaNo at Ye Olde Shambles Tea Shoppe. Got to the Shambles too late really, did about 20 minutes of writing but did get a NaNo sticker!!!

Managed to finish my word count by 8 o'clock. Also typed some in I'd done in the week to put it on my Facebook group.

Today's joke is:

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change!

Friday, 15 November 2013

Big Bang

So I have begun writing my blog before I have finished my NaNo. I need to write 150 words in the next half an hour!!! So I did 500 before I went out today and about 1,000 this afternoon/evening. Had a break and watched Agents of Shield and Big Bang theory. I have started chapter 11, only 1 more after this and I have finished book 2 of the Theran Chronicles!

Today's joke is:

Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle?

Because parrots eat 'em all.

Thursday, 14 November 2013


I managed to write all of the words I needed for the Nano today. 700 words at the library, 455 words in the bath and the rest on the PC. Also typed in a pageful of the stuff I did yesterday. For some reason they had a 21 gun salute outside the library. Have only done half my retweets today as my wife needs my PC.

Today's joke is:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh!

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Main Library

I did the 1,667 words I needed for the Nano, but I hand wrote them and will need to type them in. I wrote 250 words at the main library in York and 900 while waiting for my wife in the car for about 2 hours. Did type in the 500 words I had done yesterday and put it on my Facebook group.

Today's joke is:

What do you call a pig with two eyes?

A piig!

Tuesday, 12 November 2013


I think I did too much today. Managed to finish the basic word count for the Nano but not until just gone 11 PM. I seemed to be stuck all day on research, about train stations. However it was relevant and after I had done it then the story seemed to be going somewhere. I think I will have to write the story first and do research as part of a rewrite. Started chapter nine.

Today's joke is:

What animals are on legal documents?


Monday, 11 November 2013


Managed to do today's Nano. Wrote most of it on paper then typed most of it in, still have about 200 words to type in. I sort of finished chapter 7 but didn't do the word count so I went through it and added description etc to get the word count up a little. Have started chapter 8.

Found out that the panels I put onto the greenhouse yesterday shouldn't have had bolts put in the top :(

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Sunday Off

So I managed to do over 16666 words yesterday for the NanoWriMo, which means I can have Sunday off. But week two is supposed to be the one that is the most difficult to keep on track.

Even though I have run out of planning, I have managed to fit extra stuff in that is exciting.

Today's joke is:

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work!

Friday, 8 November 2013

The Plan Has Run Out!!!

Wrote just over 1,700 words today but found something out, I am only half way through the book and the plan has run out!!! So I have had to write a general outline of the next six chapters. Not knowing how many words the plan would eventually turn into meant that I thought I would only have two chapters to write to finish the book.

Today's joke is:

What do moths play soccer with?

A mothball!!!

Thursday, 7 November 2013

100 words over

Only managed 1789 words of the Nano today, I hit the target count but only did about 100 words over. I didn't get enough done at Leeds Uni this morning and felt unmotivated in the afternoon. I have sort of finished chapter 5.

Today's joke is:

What do you call a bee in a bun?

A humburger!

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

About 1,900

I wrote about 1,900 words today for the NanoWriMo. Chapter four does not end with a natural break though. I have an unnatural break at the 2,400 word mark. Or it could continue for another 1,000 words and end (a bit of a long chapter?)

Did not get to the Nano at York Uni today, well I did, but went to the old room. The new one was too far away to walk in the time.

I also did about 600 words at Monk's Cross Starbucks. With the way things were going I didn't think I was going to go in there for the whole Nano!

Tuesday, 5 November 2013


I have written 1675 words today for the NanoWriMo. I am keeping on target but I am finding it hard to motivate myself. Especially when somebody I met the other day wrote 8,000 words in a day! Am I well enough motivated just not fast? I think I'll try for another 200 words before I go to bed. I am actually on chapter 4 which is the fastest I have ever written a book.

I think 1,665 words a day is doable so maybe I shouldn't stress myself out doing more.

Doable, that sounds like a Frenchman saying double in a heavy French accent!

Monday, 4 November 2013

York University Nano

I wrote 600 words before breakfast today. I try to do a chunk so that I can relax while I eat. Met the four ladies at the York university Nano today. It was nice to chat and do a bit of writing as well. I managed 400 words. Took today's total to 1,900 tonight. I'm trying to do a little extra each day so that I can have Sunday off, we'll see.

A sample of the action:

Upon hearing a creak in the steps a gunman on the first floor checked it out. Anil shot at him with his service revolver. The man ducked back into the room he was firing from. Looking at Lizzie Paul pursed his lips, he didn't want her harmed.
The Indian guardsman shot at the door frame to keep the man inside. From his vantage point Paul could see the man’s leg and shot at it. This brought the man down crying in pain, “Coultan!”
Lizzie sent him to sleep with a shot from her stun pistol.
They all got to the landing but the commotion had alerted a second gunman on the next floor up to their position. He was waiting for them as they rounded the corner to the second lot of stairs and shot at Anil wounding him in the leg. Both Lizzie and Paul fired back.
The man called to another, “Su blat coumo.” As he did Lizzie saw the barrel of his rifle. She shot at it and a bolt of electricity discharged into it. The man dropped the weapon but took shelter behind a desk.
Quickly Paul nipped into the room and held his pistol on the man. He kicked the man’s rifle into the hallway then looked out of the door to see if he could see the other man. A round hit the lintel above his head and so he took shelter behind the wall. He saw Lizzie trying to staunch the wound on Anil’s leg, but Anil was looking to his position. Anil made hand movements to tell Paul that he would shoot at the man so that Paul could reposition himself. Anil could not see the man but placed a few shots into the stairs above his head where he guessed the man’s position might be. The man let out a small groan, splinters from the stairs had embedded themselves into his left leg. Rolling out onto the floor of the hallway Paul lined up his pistol. As the man peeped over the banister Paul shot him in the head. The man slumped to the floor dropping his rifle in the process.

My misheard quote of the day, "You spell possum with 2 S's," said I.

(She actually wanted to know how bosom was spelled!)

Saturday, 2 November 2013

2340 ish

Today I wrote 2340 ish words for the NanoWriMo, not anywhere near the 10,000 words I was attempting. All I can say is that I did have to do some research on train carriages and the Great Northern Railway. I also got stuck on a little bit where I was deciding if two of the female characters would have talked in a Ladies toilet. I changed it to them speaking in a shop instead. I seem to be writing between 250 and 500 words an hour, between checking Facebook, Twitter and visiting relatives. So I did about a quarter of what I wanted to do. Some of my planning was not as detailed as it should have been so I was having to solve things while I was writing it. Maybe my planning got better later on, we'll see.

Friday, 1 November 2013


I have managed to write 1747 words for the NanoWriMo today which means I have hit the target. Have put it on my VAE group on Facebook. Tomorrow I plan to write 10,000 words, wonder how I'll get on.

Thursday, 31 October 2013

Greenwich Meantime

So today I scanned the rest of my plan in on the scanner at the central York library. There are over 40 pages of plans and notes. It means I have a spare copy in case I lose the original. Have looked at the NanoWriMo site and am itching to get something done as quickly as possible. I would like to do some before I go to bed, get about 1,000 words done, but at this juncture in time I do not know if 'the 1st of November' starts at 12.00 am Greenwich Meantime.

Greenwich Meantime, I wonder if there's a Greenwich Nicetime?

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Victorian Policemen

I did about 4 pages of planning for TVC. The trouble is though I also scrubbed about a page from yesterday. I have decided that Simpkins will be a special police officer doing away with Paul Phoenix and the Sergeant I had created. I also liked the idea of them getting into the hideout by pretending to be gas men. Tried researching about Victorian gas men; any search with Victorian invariably brings up something to do with the Australian district of Victoria. So I will have to guess that they dressed quite normally. I also searched for warrant cards but couldn't find out if Victorian policemen needed them (obviously not the policemen currently residing in Victoria...)

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Final Book

Wrote about two pages of planning for TVC. I am pushing ahead with it even though I don't think it will exist in the final book in the same way.

Today's joke is:

What do you get if you cross a bell with a bat?

A Dingbat!

Monday, 28 October 2013

We'll see

I did think about TVC today as I was doing my round. When I got home I did a couple of lines of planning. I can't tell how convoluted it's going to be until it's written. I might have them go to the Post Office instead of the telephone company to find out what they need. I might also change the policeman character to Paul Phoenix the soldier. I also thought about scrubbing the bit where Lizzie breaks into a house and go straight to the gang hideout instead. We'll see.

Today's joke is:

What happens if a duck flies upside down?

It quacks up!

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Comedy Writing

I didn't do much of what I wanted today. Was a little ill.

A little ill sounds a bit like the baby of the Ill family.

I should really look at the Comedy Writing book I bought the other day.

It mentions typos as a good source of humour. I think they're right, that's how Sid the dwarf appeared.

Friday, 25 October 2013


Typed in about 100 words of SAASA, but also found that I had re-written a bit at the beginning of chapter 3 so I put it in afterwards. Put another 3 roof panels on the greenhouse with the aid of my wife and son. The bolts are really difficult to get in without help.

My wife and brother-in-law played a trick on my son (for his birthday.) He really wanted a Wolkswagon WV Beetle to do up. My wife and her brother asked my son to help pick one up 'For your Uncle.' Once my brother-in-law had put it on his truck then all was revealed. My son still can't believe he has a beetle.

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Bjorn Agen

Typed in about 230 words of SAASA chapter 3. Part one got to number 4 in Steampunk scifi on Amazon. I scanned in The Bjorn Agen comic I did 20 years ago, and a little of the planning for TVC.

Today's joke is:

Why do elephants hide in strawberry patches?

So they can jump out and frighten people!

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

I solved some problems

I wrote 7 pages of planning for TVC today. Fine, so I solved some problems. My head was going a little funny because I was stuck on the same bit over the weekend. However, now I have got there is it exciting enough? We will have to see once it's actually written. I have also found out that I am not here for the start of the NanoWriMo, let's hope I can catch up.

Today's joke is:

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in strawberry patches!

Tuesday, 22 October 2013


Yesterday I typed in 390 words of SAASA and put most of it on Wattpad. I also wrote nearly 200 words of chapter 4. Then I proof read it, collated it with a sample of Romancing the Drone and put it on Amazon. It should be free tomorrow for five days.

Today I wrote about 100 words of planning for TVC at Relish in town on my coffee break. I also put up one panel of the greenhouse roof with the help of my son.

I also read a joke in the charity shop today, I'll see if I can remember it:

A father walks in with a chocolate bar and his three children see it and start to say, "Me, me, me!"
The father then tells them, "Whoever does not answer mother back and does whatever she asks will have this chocolate bar."
Then three little voices said, "OK Dad, it's yours."

Monday, 21 October 2013

Yorkshire Marathon

I don't blog on a Sunday.

This Sunday I went on the Yorkshire marathon. NOT by choice.

I had decided to go to the car boot sale to buy a couple of screwdrivers and an awl. Because they seemed to be closing our street off I decided to go the back way to Murton. Just near Tranby Avenue they also started closing all of the roads off. So I had to go back down to Tang Hall Lane and then down the main road to Murton. I could not park where I usually did because the road was closed off. The car boot sale was dead but I did manage to get a slightly bigger better posidrive.

Then, the journey back. By the time I got back to Tang Hall Lane they had also blocked it off. I decided to get a bit closer by going back down Hull Road and trying to get down Heslington Road. Na na! Bad idea, that was where the finish of the Yorkshire Marathon was. So, I parked my car in Heslington village and walked towards the University. Na na. Another problem, they were re-directing people away from the main road where the marathon was ending. I had to walk around on the university pathways. Every time I tried to join the main road I was blocked.

So I got home. The marathon went on for hours and when I did go back for the car I still had to go through a checkpoint at 7.30. The guard said that the cones would be blocking the road off until 10.00 pm.

So, it seems as though I did the Yorkshire Maraton yesterday. Some in the car and some by foot.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

The Wrong way Round

I managed to type in 390 words of SAASA and put it on Wattpad. Then, at Starbucks Monk's Cross, I did about half a page of planning for TVC. Now I did try to put a bit more of the greenhouse up but found out I had assembled a piece the wrong way round and had to do it again.

Friday, 18 October 2013

Work In Progress

Today I visited my friend at the Novotel hotel, York. He had come up with his parents from Grimsby. He has written some books but not delved into self publishing with Amazon yet. I was giving him some advice based on what I have picked up in the last couple of years because he is coming towards the end of his WIP.

1) Get professional editing (even though I have not for myself, this is the currently accepted wisdom.)

2) Get a Twitter account and garner a following. ReTweet authors so that they will reTweet you.

3) Plan your book, or at least the pieces you want to write before you write them.

4) When you are planning, what makes you want to write it or at least read it? If you do not want to read it or write it then what makes you think somebody else will want to read it?

5) Get a Wattpad account and serialise your current book on it. Make sure you Tweet it on Twitter.

6) Get a Goodreads account and add friends and authors.

7) Increase you Facebook friends by adding authors. Also, share their stuff so, hopefully, they will share yours.

8) Look at reading and writing articles on other peoples blogs. Or, at least buy a 'How to...' book from Amazon to figure out how this indie publishing thing should work.

9) Blog tours. Authors invite you to do an interview on their blog and then you do the same.

Even after all this, even if you have a perfect book you will still need a break to make it in the indie self publishing world. (You could have a name that is the same as somebody famous, be a taxi driver and hope a publisher/film producer gets in your cab or get people to read your serialised Twilight fanfic then change the character's names and disposition so that they are sadists instead of vampires.)

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Screws in the ground

I typed in about 250 words of SAASA and put it on Wattpad really early. Also did about two and a half pages of planning for TVC. Also put most of the screws in the ground and in the top near the wall of the greenhouse. :) (That does not mean I am hoping that some screw trees will appear in the ground next spring.)

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Wednesday, 16 October 2013


I typed in 192 words of SAASA and put it on Wattpad. I was doing some more research on Victorian telephones, and was going to do some more planning for TVC, however my wife was so late for her lesson that she couldn't take me with her.

Today's joke is:

Why do chickens love to chat so much?

Because talk is cheep!

Tuesday, 15 October 2013


So today I really haven't had chance to do any writing. I did a tour, spoke to a tourist over lunch, saw a friend for a cup of tea, picked up my son, then went to pick up my daughter and grand kids. Dropped daughter off at night school, went home, picked up wife, looked after grand kids.

Monday, 14 October 2013


Yesterday I set up the OWIA 13 FREE promotion ads on my blog and via my Twitter header. I did a little planning yesterday in Cafe Concerto in the middle of town. Today I also did a little planning for TVC. With the research I have done so far I have found out that the Postmaster General was blind and that children climbed ladders to connect telephone calls. Also, the Post Office didn't own the telephone companies but received a sort of rent from them and also had an option to buy them after a couple of years. This is 1884 we are talking about by the way.

Friday, 11 October 2013


On my break today I drank a cup of coffee in Relish (Monk Bar) and wrote half a page of notes for TVC. It does also mean that I have to do some research about the Post Office telecommunications system in Victorian times.

Today's joke is:

Why did the snake have a sore mouth?

There was a fork in his tongue!

Thursday, 10 October 2013

TVC if you know what I mea...

I wrote one page of planning for TVC. When I say planning I mean something like 'If she does A then B, but if she does C then D'. I like the E idea better. (I sound like a Yorkshireman don't I!)

I did have two of the characters follow a bad guy and another two characters follow a different bad guy. But then I decided that one gets killed, the other vanishes, so the characters realise that someone is listening in on their telephone conversations.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013


I managed to type in about 150 words of SAASA today and added that to another 100 I did the other day then put it on Wattpad.

Today's joke is:

What goes peck peck bang!

A chicken in a minefield!

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Blunted it.

Managed to drill some holes in the concrete paving stones to attach the greenhouse to. The drill bit wore out about a quarter of the way through, I probably need three more drill bits but I'll buy two for now. It was probably the solid stone that blunted it. Blunted it, that sounds a little like a James Blunt song after he has sung it.

Monday, 7 October 2013


Today I was on my feet too long to do any writing. Did mention to the people on my tour that I would be writing for the NanoWriMo at the fourth tea shop along the Shambles. Let's hope I get to do it!

Today's joke is:

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!

Friday, 4 October 2013

The Amazing Avengers Rise

I typed in about 300 words of SAASA today and put it on Wattpad. I had been planning to put up the rest of the greenhouse today, I didn't want to do it, felt ill and it rained, so all I did was busy around doing nothing. Hopefully it won't rain tomorrow and I can put it up then.

Have managed to catch up on some of the super hero movies we missed in the past year. Have seen Batman Rises, The Amazing Spiderman, Thor and The Avengers in the past week.

When I went into the charity shop last week I saw a little stuffed figure of Thor. I took it over to the desk to complain about the red on his fingers. "Look at that red," I said, "he's got a Thor thumb!" (Yes they did laugh.)

Thursday, 3 October 2013

On a bicycle!

So I didn't post yesterday or do any Tweeting!!!! (I was playing my new game that my wife had bought for me last week and haven't had a chance to play.) Yesterday I wrote about 8 pages of planning and today 4.

Now, one of the characters is a lecturer at Cambridge. So I researched where the Chemistry department was at Cambridge in Victorian times. Then I realised that Cambridge is about 75 miles from London! So today I have researched the London University. For now he will be helping a friend out there. I couldn't have the characters riding on a train for 75 miles being followed by a bad guy on a bicycle! (they REALLY need to be in London.)

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Attack on Thera

Today I managed to plan out about 8 pages of TVC and also 2 pages of the third in the series which is called for now 'Attack on Thera'. Also typed in 350 words of SAASA and put it on Wattpad.

Today's joke is:

Why do elephants have trunks?

They can't carry suitcases!

Monday, 30 September 2013

"Are you using that?"

Today I chopped all of the brambles and bind weed back from the end of the garden. I did not want to do it, I had to keep forcing myself. It sort of is nearly completely chopped down. The garden now looks bigger and will be ready soon for me to put up the two pieces of fence I have. Well, not fence, but sides of a shed that somebody was throwing away.

You never guess what, I had just propped up one of the pieces of shed, then someone asked me, "So what are you doing with that shed?" I gladly told him I had actually used one piece and said if I had any left then he could have it.

Today's joke is:

What do you call a toothless elephant?


Friday, 27 September 2013

"I could have won but..."

I managed to write 4 pages of planning for TVC at Leeds Uni while waiting for my wife and drinking a coffee. Also thought of some ideas on the way home and made sure I wrote them down.

After I delivered my magazines I walked through to the board games club. Played Monty Python Flux, the copy I bought on Wednesday. Things were as usual, I could have won but...

It has been noticed that after nearly every game I play I say, 'I could have won but...' Except on this occasion it was funny. I drew and played two cards I needed to win. I only had to play the objective I had in my hand to win. The next turn I only had to draw one card, and if it wasn't a creeper (a bad card in Flux that can stop you winning) then I would have won.

The fellow next to me, who was quite amazed at what appeared to be the quickest game he had played and whose turn it was said, "I think I'll play this card, it doesn't mean much, seeing as you've already won..."

The card was something like, "If you sing a Monty Python song on your go, pick up an extra card."

I attempted three Monty Python songs and didn't really sing enough of them on my turn. Then I remembered, "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..." which I had watched on Youtube yesterday.

Yes, he pandered to my ego. What a fool I was. I picked up the first card, which was fine because it was an action card I didn't need to play. However the second card (which I wouldn't have had to pick up if I hadn't sung anything) was a Creeper card. I had to play it straight away because it says so, which stopped me winning the game. I also had to pick up another card because I had played the Creeper card. It was another Creeper card. So I was doubly stopped from winning because of the Creeper cards, my ego and big mouth :)

Thursday, 26 September 2013

SAASA boom de ay

Typed in about 350 words of chapter 2 of SAASA. I also started to clear the conservatory away from the shed. I may be able to put the fence up soon, just some jungle to clear...

Today's joke is:

What do lemmings like to drink?


Wednesday, 25 September 2013


I finished chapter three of SAASA, also wrote an alternative ending for the whole book. Planned some more of The Victoria Conspiracy, which made me feel happier. I am not planning to do any more to SAASA until I have done some more planning for TVC. A lady in Starbucks suggested the name Lord Darvill for the anti hero!!! Guess what, there was a Captain Darville in book 1!!!

Today's joke is:

What did the conductor say when the elephant got on his bus and asked for a ticket to the zoo?

"That's 50p for the ticket and £25,000 for the bus!"

(This joke has been adjusted for inflation!)

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

500 words

I wrote about 500 words of SAASA chapter 3 today, just another 100 and it's finished. I was glad I nearly finished it today, feel less stressed.

Today's joke is:

What do you get if an elephant playing a piano falls down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor!

Monday, 23 September 2013

War in the Precincts

I haven't written anything today. I did however try to put up a bit more of the greenhouse. I also bought the screws, raw plugs and drill bit to complete the job. I was a bit confused with the instructions though, they are hard to decipher from the drawings, and I am putting the door in a different place so the picture is not exactly the same.

Have changed my Twitter profile and my blog to tell everyone that Only When I Arth 9 is FREE!

Today's joke is:

A banana and an orange went into a pub. The banana looked at the orange and said, "You're round!"

Saturday, 21 September 2013

A bit bored

Managed to write 600 words of SAASA. Only another 5-600 and I have finished chapter 3. I think then, after I have typed it in and proof read it, I'll submit it to Amazon. Have changed tack slightly because Sid was getting a bit bored. A bit like somebody drilling for oil, the hole gets a bit, a drill bit, then it gets bored.

(Well it is late!)

Friday, 20 September 2013

Monty Python

After work today my wife took me to Monk's Cross Starbucks and I managed to write 700 words of SAASA. Hopefully some Americans I met on the tour will buy at least one of my books, seeing as Americans are the biggest buyers of my books. They liked Monty Python so you never know...

Today's joke is not really a joke. My friend did a Facebook status yesterday, as part of some kind of book week/day and said, 'Pick the nearest book to you, turn to page 52 and tell us what it says on the fifth line.'

Now, the closest book to me was my Elephant joke book and the fifth line was, 'Open the door.' Can you guess what the joke was?

(I'll tell you tomorrow, unless somebody guesses it right!)

Thursday, 19 September 2013

Still Ill

So, after I had suffered with rinitus yesterday I then suffered the obligatory headache today. Was in bed most of the day and also felt dizzy. I did think about Sid and Arthur in the white room. Thought that, even though the white room is accessed by the IWT, Sid would still have it on his arm. Am still in two minds about whether it should be separate from The Sun Thief and its own adventure. In the last encounter they never met Traiton at all. They should really have a separate mission/objective. Sid will probably get sick of it and demand that they do something more interesting.

Wednesday, 18 September 2013


I have been ill today. However I did manage to write about 100 words and put it all together with what I have done over the past couple of days. So that makes nearly 500 words of chapter 3 of SAASA.

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Half a page

Wrote about half a page of stuff for chapter three as I was waiting outside a customer's house today, sheltering from the rain.

Today's joke is:

What's green and dangerous?

A gooseberry with a machine gun!

Monday, 16 September 2013

The 200

Had a bit of a quiet day today. My wife got 10 FREE cups of coffee from Starbucks through the post today (my joke was that they squashed the cardboard cups up and squeezed them through the letterbox. Then the dogs licked it up.)

So, because we had some free coffees, my wife and I went to Starbucks, Monk's Cross. I planned about 200 words of SAASA. Also typed in about 250 words and put it on Wattpad.

Saturday, 14 September 2013

Chapter 2

I finished chapter 2 of SAASA today, only another chapter and I will have done enough for OWIA 15. Talking to my son today I planned a little of the third book of the Theran Chronicles.

Today's joke is:

What's the difference between an elephant, a lemon and a tube of glue?

I don't know?

Well, you can squeeze a lemon but you can't squeeze an elephant.

What about the tube of glue?

I thought that's where you'd get stuck!

Friday, 13 September 2013


Today I read that I had a one star review for The Victorian Adventure Society on Amazon UK. The woman has done 6 reviews and the rest are all five star. To be honest with myself it is probably a three to four star piece of work. I gave it away free so that I could get people interested in the sample of The Sun Thief. However that seems a little foolish now with a one star review. It started life as The Victorian Adventure Experiment with some of my friends on Facebook. I ran a game of Victorian Adventure through Facebook and however the characters reacted then that drove the story. I decided to finish the story on my own after everyone else dropped out.

Those who read it on Wattpad were complimentary. So I wonder why she hated it so much?

Maybe it should teach me to stop putting my stuff on Amazon for free...

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Didn't blog

I managed to write 800 words yesterday and about 300 today. Another 200 and I've finished chapter 2.

Didn't blog yesterday as I was too tired. Nearly the same today.

Tuesday, 10 September 2013


I put Fanting Fightasy on Wattpad today. Did a few extra rooms so it is partly playable. I will update it every so often.

I had another coincidence today, as I was photocopying a form for my boss he texted me. He hasn't texted me for three weeks!!!

Today's joke is:

What do you call a rabbit that runs up and down the stairs?

A bunnister!

Monday, 9 September 2013

139 words

Yesterday, while waiting for my wife, I worked on a list of monsters that I could possibly put into Fanting Fightasy. Tomorrow I hope to type the rest up that is finished. I have also typed in 139 words of SAASA for Wattpad.

Today's joke is:

Why did the fish take an aspirin?

Because it had a haddock!

Saturday, 7 September 2013

500 words

I typed in about 500 words of Fanting Fightasy, was going to try to get enough done to put it on Wattpad but still have two pages to type in.

Did look at making a felt hat on YouTube, you never know, if I get a big enough dark one I can form it into a Guy Fawkes type hat!

Today's joke is:

What kind of bird has a shell?

A turtle dove.

Friday, 6 September 2013

First 4 pages.

Today I managed to write another three rooms/encounters for Fanting Fightasy. That makes seven which means I can now put it on Wattpad. However I might have to add another couple of rooms so that it is playable straight away. We'll see about doing that tomorrow. Printed the first 4 pages out and read them through to see if it is working so far.

It rained today on my tour, it was the worst day so far!

Today's joke is:

What happened to the elephant that ran away with the circus?

The police made him bring it back!

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Only When I Arth Banner

I typed in 150 words of SAASA and wrote 250, I am now half way through chapter 2. I plan to release it in chunks under the Only When I Arth banner, similar to Factory of Androids. It will be in four chunks of three chapters. Also wrote about 100 words of Fanting Fightasy, where Alf meets the party, including YOU the reader!

Today's joke is:

What's invisible and smells of bananas?

Monkey burps!

Wednesday, 4 September 2013


I managed to make two sides of the greenhouse today. Sluiced the yard down. Managed to save about 15 DVDs at the charity shop today, they are mostly WWII films and documentaries, but also include the Indiana Jones boxed set. Wrote 300 words of SAASA, nearly halfway through chapter 2. Also typed in room number two of Fanting Fightasy.

I am thinking of holding off writing the second Theran Chronicles book until the NaNoWriMo.

Today's joke is:

How do you make an elephant sandwich?

First you get a very big loaf...

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Fighting Fantasy

I typed in the rest of the introduction to the Fanting Fightasy book as well as making a simple cover that is a parody of the Fighting Fantasy logo. Though it is on Wattpad I will not publish it until I am 7 days in advance. Typed in 200 words of SAASA and put it on Wattpad. There seems to be something wrong with Twitter, my lists aren't working properly.

Today's joke is:

What did the elephant say to the hotel porter?

"Take my trunk up and I'll follow!"

Monday, 2 September 2013


I wrote 330 words of SAASA on Sunday at Starbucks. Now I don't like working on a Sunday, I try to keep it holy, but... Today I transferred some family videos onto DVD, my previous attempt had recorded as -R and could not be played on Xboxs etc. I have also typed up 160 words of SAASA and put it on Wattpad. I didn't put on any at the weekend because I appear to have been too busy!

Today's joke is:

What takes less time to get ready for a trip, an elephant or a rooster?

A rooster: He only needs to take his comb!

Saturday, 31 August 2013


I finished the copy of The Sun Thief today for my daughter's birthday. Also worked a little on the Fanting Fightasy book, I did one room. I might try to write a room a day and put it on Wattpad for people to play until I have finished it. Thought a little about SAASA, need to think a little more.

Friday, 30 August 2013


I sewed all of the signatures into one piece, then glued them together using a cheap glue I got from the £ shop, it seems to have worked. Made the cover and glued one half in. I will hopefully finish for tomorrow.

Met somebody today and gave her my information slip. She came from America and said she would check out the free book I have on Smashwords. (For all of you people who haven't downloaded it yet it's at


Today's joke is:

What kind of bird do you always find in a kitchen?

A cook-oo!

Thursday, 29 August 2013


Delivered my magazines this morning so that I could see my daughter in the afternoon. I printed out the signatures on Tuesday and sewed them together today for my other daughter's book. It's her birthday on Saturday, I hope I have enough time to finish it before then.

Today's joke is:

Why did the owl 'owl?

Because the wood pecker would peck 'er!

Wednesday, 28 August 2013


I am having to write my blog on my wife's iPad because she is using my PC. After I had sung my praise songs and listened to my scriptures I began to think about SAASA. Just was relieved I had solved the problem I had realised yesterday. I have sort of planned the next Sid and Arthur sequence but really want a Traiton/D'ark sequence first.

I'll think about it now.

D'ark is the director, Traiton the evil Hoo android. Traiton is helping the Hoo of Thera to accomplish their world domination of that planet. So he wants to stop Sid and Arthur helping Lizzie. Traiton has been sent by the evil Hoo of another dimension to help their brethren. He is self determining and acts within the parameters of his programming. He can teleport, fly, communicate with his masters, has telekenisis and built in electro weapons.

Managed to write 150 words just before tea and watching Arrow part 17 (based on the plan above.)

Today's joke is:

Have you heard about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

A little piece of cake

It was my wife's birthday today. Didn't write anything in Starbucks while drinking a cup of coffee, but did a code word (which I haven't done in ages.) Then, at my mother-in-laws, while eating a little piece of cake and drinking a cuppa, I wrote about 300 words of planning for SAASA. I was feeling a little bit down because I didn't know how I was going to fit the new book in with the Arth mythos. I have planned that the computer program that set the original series off becomes voracious and takes all of the stuff on my hard drive and adds that to the seven dimensions.

Have printed out another copy of TST for my oldest daughter.

Today's joke is:

What do you get if you cross a big dog with a small rodent?

A gerbil shepherd!

Monday, 26 August 2013

Rich Teas

So I've had a cup of tea and eaten some Rich Teas to wake myself up a bit so I can write my blog. I went to Starbucks today, by bicycle, to see my family who were meeting my father-in-law there. I managed to write 300 words of SAASA there. I am not planning to write 500 words a day as per usual, I am just writing when I can fit it in. I am still planning to do the three day write a book thing, but I may do it in three separate stints.

Today's joke is:

What is the saddest creature in the sea?

A blue whale!

Saturday, 24 August 2013


Today I did not do any writing. I did take my book with me but felt too tired after last night's bad sleep.

Today's joke is:

Did you hear the joke about the Emu?

It's very emu-sing!

Friday, 23 August 2013


I used to mentor people but I was mental, a mental mentor!
I used to supplement my mental mentoring with lessons from the Bible. So I was a supplemental mental mentor!"
Do I need to continue?
I also did it by stages...
So I was an incremental supplemental mental mentor.

Today I managed to write 700 words of Sid and Arthur's Steampunk Adventure. My family left me shivering in Monk's Cross Starbucks, I couldn't do much else. It means I have finished chapter one though. Now to type up some to put on Wattpad...

Today's joke is:

Why do moths have antennae?

Because they can't get cable TV!

Thursday, 22 August 2013

Quantum Leap

Tried to plan a bit for SAASA and also wrote about 150 words. Need to type in at least 100 words for Wattpad. I need more of a purpose for the characters, more than just trying to fix Lizzie's mistakes. Maybe a bit like Sam Beckett in Quantum Leap.

Today's joke is:

What do you call a camel with three humps?


Wednesday, 21 August 2013

SAASA not Sasha.

Had fun today trying to put a border up for our greenhouse, bent 3 drill bits and snapped another! Wrote another 450 words of SAASA, typed 100 words in and put it on Wattpad.

Today's joke is:

What do you call a pig with no legs?

A groundhog!

Tuesday, 20 August 2013


I chopped off some branches, swept up and tried to repair the shed door in preparation for putting up the greenhouse. Also typed in 250 words of Sid and Arthur's Steampunk Adventure and made a quick cover for it then put it on Wattpad. Got the second hand camcorder we bought for £10 and transferred 4 hours of video onto DVDs. I've only been waiting 3 years to do that.

Today's joke is:

What is big, wrinkled and has horns?

An elephant marching band.

Monday, 19 August 2013


Finished my daughter's book and glued the picture to the front. Got another 5 star review today for The Sun Thief!!!

Have been thinking what I can do for the NanoWriMo. It is quite difficult because I usually write novellas of about 30,000 words. They want you to write 60,000 words. Also I cannot have started writing anything and finish it at the Nano. I have Sid and Arthur's Steampunk Adventure, Kendra and the Wolf Master and The Victoria Conspiracy to finish. (If I do write TVC then I could write the third one for the Nano.)

Today's joke is:

What smells and travels at 50 miles an hour?

A cheeter's nose!

Saturday, 17 August 2013


Glued the signatures together of my daughter's book. My grand daughter also helped me glue the cover together, she squeezed the glue out. I had to strip another piece of card for the back cover. They had no bookbinding stuff in Staples, which is where most of the people from yesterday told me to go. Got wet while cycling back and was glad of my waterproof coat. Also started work on a board game called (for now) Tourist Wars!

Today's joke is:

What does a budgie do that an elephant can't?

Take a bath in a saucer!

Friday, 16 August 2013


I wrote about 100 words of Kendra and the Wolf Master today. It seems a bit wobbly but I'll work on it. I decided that the bit I'd written before was probably more of a blurb that I would use to advertise it or put on the back cover. Also sewed the signatures of my daughter's copy of The Sun Thief together. Was going to glue them but ran out of time.Sewed one signature of my own copy.

Today's joke is:

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

He was stapled to a chicken!

Thursday, 15 August 2013

Standing Knife

The inside covers were a bit too crinkly, so I bought some proper Pritt today to hopefully solve the problem. I used a standing knife to cut out the colour picture and then glued it onto the cover.

Now, you may ask, what is a standing knife?

Well, in Britain a leading manufacturer of quality utility knives is called Stanley. A bit like the word Hoover in our culture means a vacuum cleaner. When my children were young and asked me what I was using to cut the carpet etc it got called a Standing knife. So now you know.

Today's joke is:

What terrorises fish at the bottom of the sea?

Billy the Squid!

Wednesday, 14 August 2013


I cut the card out for the cover, cut the envelope for it as well then glued it all together. Found out that the spine was too big (it seems as though The Sun Thief is thinner than The Crying Pennant!) So I had to take a little bit off each edge of the spine and make sure I didn't cut through to the giant envelope I used to cover it. Used wood glue to glue the back page to the back cover, but I am not happy with the result, it looks too bumpy. So I used Pritt to stick the front page to the front cover, that also looks a bit bumpy, but we'll see what it looks like after I get it out from underneath my wife's music books.

Today's joke is:

The founder of the ODEON cinema died the other day. His funeral will be at 2.30, 6.45 and 8.00 PM!

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Pray Really Hard.

All I have done today is strip a piece of board for the cover of my book. It took ages. I first got the piece of card 20 years ago from the Key cutters in Malton. It was an old sign, I was asking for scrap card to design my board games on. The interesting story about that was...

I was chatting to the fellow in the shop. These two girls came in while I was chatting to the fellow in there. When they left he said, "I don't believe it, I think they have stolen a purse!"
So, I prayed really hard that they would return with the purse.
Within 20 minutes the girls returned to the shop and paid for the purse they had stolen.
The fellow didn't believe it!

Today's joke is:

What do you call a show full of lions?

The mane event!

Monday, 12 August 2013


Put the corrected document for TST on the VAE group of Facebook. Re-submitted the corrected document to Amazon. Sewed the signatures together and glued them, half way there. Also did a bit more planning for The Theran Chronicles 2.

Today's joke is:

What do you call a thick James bond?

A Spider. (A spy-der!)

Saturday, 10 August 2013


Just had enough paper to print out a full book and the first two signatures of another. I will have to buy some more paper. I now have two full copies but one has proof reading marks in it, looks like that's my copy :) Didn't change the corrections of the main copy, I will probably have to do that on Monday now. Did get a game of Halo ODST in with my son though. I think we like Black Ops better, action wise.

Today's joke is:

What do you call a spider with no legs?

A raisin!

Friday, 9 August 2013


Managed to print out the last two signatures and proof read it all. Have corrected the documents for printing and printed the first three out. I now need to correct the main document and re-send it to Amazon!

Today's joke is:

Why are goldfish like breakfast cereals?

They both come in bowls!

Thursday, 8 August 2013


I proof read two signatures and formatted and printed two more. I have found about 20 minor errors that I didn't catch on the first couple of proof reads. I only need to finish formatting the last half a chapter and put the copyright notice into another small signature at the front. I am finding it easier to proof read the printouts as opposed to trying to do it on the PC.

Today's joke is:

How do you best hide an elephant?

Skin him!

Wednesday, 7 August 2013


I proof read the signatures I printed out yesterday at the refurbished Starbucks at Monk's Cross. Replaced the last page and put a little of the next chapter on. Formatted and printed out the third signature. I'll proof read it tomorrow. Caught a couple of small minor errors in the first signature.

Today's joke is:

What is black and white and eats like a cow?

A bull!

Tuesday, 6 August 2013


Because my new grandson was taking his time feeding today it gave me a chance to work on the map of the Fanting Fightasy book. I read through the first couple of chapters of TCP on my wife's iPad. In reality there are only five rooms at the beginning of the dungeon. A couple of other rooms are at the end of it that lead into the castle. So I am going to link the beginning to the end with as yet unrealised encounters and rooms!

Printed out the first two signatures of TST but made a page error in the second one. Once corrected I will have 1/3 rd of the book printed out.

Today's joke is:

What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra!

Monday, 5 August 2013

Read through

I need to read through The Crying Pennant again so that I can come up with more places/encounters for the Fanting Fightasy book. I was thinking of 40 different places/encounters so that I could make it into a free give-away book to advertise the Arth series. Looked at a proper fighting fantasy book and have seen that there are 400 entries!!!

Got another 5 star review for The Sun Thief!!!!

Another grandson born today!!!!!

Today's joke is:

What do you call a snake on a construction site?

A boa constructor!

Saturday, 3 August 2013


This is what I've typed in so far today.

"Aww, this is stupid," moaned Sid the dwarf from The Crying Pennant.
"I know," agreed King Arthur, battle chieftain of the Britons, "it's been done before."
"Fighting Fantasy books."
"Earlier, Tunnels and Trolls."
"Earlier than that, 'Choose Your Own Path' adventures. The Author used to read them when he was 11!"
"Come on you two," I admonished them, "get started on this adventure."

So, mysteriously, both Sid and Arthur...

"Hang on Author," interrupted Sid before I could continue, "are we both going to be in this, what did you call it, Fanting Fightasy book?"
"Yes, why not?"
"Well, because won't the reader/player be able to empathise more with one character? You know, you say something like, 'As you walk down the passage an axe falls on your head and you die."
"Don't remind me of one of my first D&D arguments," shook headed I. I thought for a bit, "Well I want you two in it so what do I do?"
"We could be in the party and the reader could join us!" thought Arthur.
"Ok, we'll see how that goes."

So, again, mysteriously, both Sid and Arthur were transported to a green lacquered, metal studded, warped and flea bitten oak door. The reader also appeared there whom I will now describe as you!
"Hello you," greeted Sid the dwarf.
"Er, hello dwarf," you said.
"Sid the dwarf," said Sid, "but don't keep saying 'Sid the dwarf' because that gets a little annoying. Just call me Sid."

Friday, 2 August 2013

Fanting Fightasy

Managed to write 150 words of Sid and Arthur's Steampunk Adventure today. Have also started a Fanting fightasy book with Sid and Arthur and you in it. Did about 300 words of that. It's funny so far :)

Today's joke is:

What do you call a bee in a bun?

A hum-burger!

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Blog a blog blog

I am having to blog on my wife's iPad because my son is on my PC. Reformatted my hard drive yesterday because I was having problems with spyware. Managed to get the sound driver downloaded and installed. Found the document The Metal Man and added one word to it! Yay I wrote one word today!

Today's joke is:

What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra!

Wednesday, 31 July 2013


Today I tried to play the car building game that I bought yesterday. The rules were too difficult to learn in the time we had to play so four of us played half a game of Monopoly instead, which was much more fun. I'll have to take an easier game next time. Didn't do any writing today, instead I sort of got wet trying to deliver leaflets. I'll have to take a raincoat next time instead of my over large umbrella. It rained for half of the roads and was dry for the second half.

Today's joke is:

What is yellow and dangerous?

Shark infested custard!

Tuesday, 30 July 2013


Nearly bought another joke book from the charity shop today, and the Indiana Jones Boxed set. Did however buy a Car Building board game and a Kings and Queens of England memory card set. As I sat with my wife in Mair's put the cards into the correct order and began to learn them again. I did used to know 'William, William, Henry, Stephen...' Then guess what. Looked at Horrible Histories on CBBC and they had the Kings and Queens of England song. I nearly know all of them in order now with just a couple of listens! Another coincidence?

Today's joke is:

What do you get when you mix beans and onions?

Tear gas!

Monday, 29 July 2013

Sid and Arthur's Steampunk Adventure

Today I managed to write 400 words of Sid and Arthur's Steampunk Adventure. I have done about 1,100 words so far. I think I'll get to 2,500 and put the first chapter on Wattpad. Did a parody names bit and also some planning/figuring out to see where the idea could go. I am thinking of getting Sid and Arthur to...

Today's joke is:

Why did the cat go to the doctor?

She was feline funny!

Saturday, 27 July 2013


I found out today that Wendy was a name made up for Peter Pan and Piccadilly means a high stiff collar.

I put The Victorian Adventure Society on Amazon Kindle for FREE today. Haven't checked the totals yet. Let me do it mid post. Hah, mid post sounds lit an extra goalpoast in a game of football, right in the middle.

In the top 6,000 whoot.-

But that was in America,

in the UK

Today's joke is:

What kind of fur do you get from a skunk?

As fur away as possible!

Friday, 26 July 2013

TASER iPhone

I have a blank piece of paper in front of me. Well, not a blank piece of paper but a very white blog page. It seems to be getting some words on. What shall I write about? Told someone today about the derivation of the word TASER (Tom Swift's Electric Rifle for those that missed my post the other day.) He said he was offered a TASER for £5 while he was on holiday in Turkey. It looked like an iPhone and made an incredible crackling sound. Neither he, nor I, felt like we wanted to buy one. So I then told him about that fellow who made fake bomb detectors in his bedroom and sold them for £10,000 each. It seemed relevant. What if the TASER was so powerful it killed someone (i.e. it had been made in someone's bedroom!!!) What if somebody picked it up and thought it was a phone and electrocuted themselves!!!

Now if it was Sid or Arthur then it might be quite good for a laugh.

Sid picks up Arthur's phone to ring Gwinda and gets electrocuted.
"Shocking!" commented Arthur as he sniggered at Sid's mishap.
"Well that was a bolt out of the blue," re commented Sid.
"I ought to charge you for using my phone!"
"Your comment was as fast as lightening."
"Lightning dear boy, not lightening. Lightening is something you do with your hair, with peroxide."
"Well at least I was keeping current with the topic."
Arthur shook his head and continued to read all the old posts on this blog, just for the jokes you should understand.

Today there will be no joke because what I have just written should be sufficient enough.

Thursday, 25 July 2013


The new royal baby is called George. My 25 year old nephew is called George. Did you know that George means farmer? 

I was thinking of some stories I could write with Sid and Arthur yesterday and St. George and the dragon was one of them. The dragon could be what we now call a dinosaur. Sid and Arthur could turn up in their capacity as Time Cops and ask George not to kill the dragon because they want to take it to a new theme park called Dragon Park. St. George could say something like, "Sure, as long as I still get to rescue the maiden in distress."

I wonder if he would have been our national hero if he didn't rescue the fair maiden? He was supposed to have been a Roman soldier based around the Mediterranean somewhere. 

Today's joke is:

Did you hear the one about the two rabbits?

It had a hoppy ending!

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Sewn Together

Have only re tweeted the people who have re tweeted me today, and a few regulars. Started to format The Sun Thief so that I can print it out myself as a book. Did you know, that with a hand bound book, the small booklets that are sewn together are called signatures? Also started to save my blog posts. Seeing as I gave up writing my diaries when I failed my teacher training in 2004 then this is nearly as good.

Today's joke is:

What's pink and smells?

A flamingo eating garlic!

Tuesday, 23 July 2013


Today my wife went to The White Rose Centre in Leeds, which was the site of one of the incredible coincidences that happened to me last year. Well another coincidence happened TODAY!!! I had just learned an author's name from the 1700s with my picture memory technique. I imagined a three headed William Riker from Star Trek, George Harrison and an Ashley Ainsworth. William Harrison Ainsworth wrote Rookwood with its main protagonist as Dick Turpin. About an hour later I switched the TV onto a programme about The Tower of London. Guess who wrote the famous book The Tower of London? William Harrison Ainsworth!

(Now I must make sure that when I see the three headed man I don't say he is Riker George Ashley!)

Today's joke is!

What does a queen bee do when she burps?

She issues a royal pardon!

Monday, 22 July 2013


Got told off by KDP today. Offered for somebody to review my book for a FREE copy and got told off!!! It seems as though I put it under the wrong bit of the forum. The other posting, exactly the same, did not draw fire. It is supposed to be allowable to offer a free book for a review but I seem to have hit a wall again. Oh well...

Today's joke is:

What do bees say in summer?


Saturday, 20 July 2013

Mr Fantastic!

Got a 4 star review for The Sun thief today "Fantastic Read!" said the bit at the top. I wonder if Mr Fantastic knows about that. Maybe I could print it on Mr Fantastic so that it becomes a Fantastic Mr Fantastic read? If I added a bit of fantasy it could be a Fantastic Mr Fantastic Fantasy!!! Do I need to carry on or are you being charmed by my brilliance? (or stupidity, you choose!)

Today's joke is:

Why do dogs lie down?

Because they can't lie up!

Friday, 19 July 2013

Article showed

I am very tired now and I haven't really thought about writing my blog. I have looked at a few articles on writing today. I saved them to refer to later. One said you can increase book sales by offering free software with the book. You go to the software person who is doing a free offer and then add that into the book somewhere. Another article showed you how to get ten reviews, you need at least ten to get into these book promotion schemes. So far I have 6 reviews for the 24, 5 from America and one from the UK. I wonder if that is 6 or only counts as 5?

Today's joke is:

What sits in a tree and shouts "I'm a pear!"

A crazy apple!

Thursday, 18 July 2013


So today was my 25th anniversary. I gave my wife the silver rose I made for her on Saturday. Still managed to tweet a bit and also got to #13 in the Amazon charts! Whoo hoo, it's amazing what two sales will do...

Today's joke is:

Why are goldfish like breakfast cereals?

They both come in bowls!

Wednesday, 17 July 2013


I got up to #31 today in the Kindle Store> Kindle eBooks> Teen & Young Adult> Science Fiction & Fantasy> Science Fiction> Steampunk. Need some reviews though, hopefully at least some four star ones!!!

Putting my stuff on Wattpad and getting about 100 reads a day, but this is not translating into sales.

Today's joke is:

How do chickens like to dance?

Chick to chick!

Tuesday, 16 July 2013


So The Sun Thief is out now. Come on people, buy it!!! Getting good reads on Wattpad but they need to translate into sales. For some strange reason I have gone up to #115 in the SciFi rankings. As I said before today is the anniversary of my Dad's birthday, and in two days it is my 25th wedding anniversary.

I think I may have to write an article soon to encourage those writers who languish down at the bottom of the Amazon rankings.

Today's joke is:

What looks like a werewolf and goes squeak?

A mouse going to a Halloween party!

Monday, 15 July 2013

Out Now! (nearly)

I have managed to proof read the whole of The Sun Thief. I needed to to get it ready for the anniversary of my Dad's birthday, the 16th of July. There were a few silly errors I had not caught when I read some of it in using my Dragonspeak package. I had also missed a paragraph out. I have put it on at Amazon as a a saved project to publish tomorrow.

Today's joke is:

What musical instrument does a bee play?

A hum-onica!

Saturday, 13 July 2013

How wonderful

My cat died today. Well not my cat. My daughter left the cats at home when she moved out. She also brought them into the home without my permission. Anyway, the cat got knocked down by a car and a neighbour saw it dead by the road. I had to get it back in a plastic bag and bury it. So only a little proof reading done today. Noticed a missing apostrophe. How wonderful.

Today's joke (I found it on the floor from an old Christmas cracker):

Why do cows lie down in the rain?

To keep each udder dry!

Friday, 12 July 2013

Anne Boleyn

Did a little planning and research for The Victoria Conspiracy (name still to be decided). Thought that I could link Anne Boleyn to the giants because of her six fingers. Read up about her, poor thing, it seems as though she was stitched up, like me.

Today's joke is:

Why did the flea live on the dog's chin?

He wanted a woof over his head!

Thursday, 11 July 2013

Director's Chair

I found a chair the other day. A student had dumped it into his or her garden to be thrown away. It was a director's chair and was torn down one edge. I have always wanted a director's chair. I knocked on the door, but no one was in. I parked the chair near the side wall so that I could ask for it when someone was in. Yesterday I saw somebody older at the house as I was driving past. So when I went to the charity shop earlier I went a little further afterwards and found somebody at the house, painting. He smiled and said I could have the chair. I walked up to another charity shop that was not open then started for home. I saw a friend I haven't seen for about two years. Now if I hadn't  gone for the chair and to the other charity shop then I wouldn't have seen him!

Today's joke is:

Why did the snake have a sore mouth?

There was a fork in his tongue!

Wednesday, 10 July 2013


Put my piece on for Wattpad about 5.30 today, still only in the top 200 for SciFi. Got another comment though yesterday which was encouraging. Only did a little proof reading today. Found out that my daughter lives near to where Guy Fawkes went to school, and also that it is the fourth oldest school in the world! About 627AD, St. Peter's York. Alcuin was one of the first headmasters, we also live near Alcuin Avenue!

Today's joke is:

How do you stop rabbits digging up your garden?

Hide the shovel!

Tuesday, 9 July 2013


As I was proof reading page 12 of The Sun Thief I changed a few minor things on it. Changed the description from a car back to a steamo. And some other things that were on page 13, I can't remember them now. I was concerned that there wasn't enough racism in my book, from the point of view of it being around and affecting people in a bad way. Somebody I spoke to today said that racism was different back then, it seemed to be more of a class thing.

Today's joke is:

What do you call a toothless elephant?


Monday, 8 July 2013


Today I didn't put my next piece of The Sun Thief on Wattpad until about 11pm. Changed a couple of sentences, I found out that the first car wasn't invented until 1885, this adventure is supposed to be about 1883-4. ReTweeted late and just retweeted those who had retweeted me and a few others. I have not asked anyone to read it yet for pre review, should I?

Today's joke is:

What country do bees like to visit?


Saturday, 6 July 2013

Da Da!

Managed to finish my steampunk goggles (sort of.) When I did the picture for the front cover of The Sun Thief I only used one gold tin, the other was the silver sample I made to work the design out. I put a piece of elastic on the gold one and balanced a piece near the other one. I stuck them together with Sellotape, (Scotch tape if you're in America.) Today I cut a hole in the silver one for the other piece of elastic and two holes for the nose piece in both goggles. I sewed the centre piece of elastic to itself and tied the other two pieces of elastic together. Da da!

Took photos of my grandson with them on and could not get my granddaughter to wear them, that is not until I said to her, as she wanted to go to the car with me, she could come if she allowed me to take a photo of her with them on. It worked, I now have 5 photos of her wearing them and smiling!

Today's joke is:

Where do beavers keep their money?

In a river bank!