The FREE Giveaway!

Sunday, 30 December 2012

FREE but not yet!

Have published 'Only When I Arth 6' on the Kindle, but it isn't FREE until tomorrow. In it we have Gob and Gilbier from 'Romancing the Drone' playing a little golf. We also meet a new character Twizzz, with three ZZZs, a half dark elf from Hackney. Have written about 3,500 words of the third Factory of Androids short story, it may be finished by next Friday.

 Played Lord of the Rings Risk with my son and lost badly!!!

Offered to play a game with him today but it looks like he's all gamed out. A bit like a hunter who's run out of bullets. (or a video gamer who's just done a 24 hour marathon challenge.) Mmm, a marathon challenge, sounds like someone who's just eaten 50 snickers bars for a bet. Ahh, for a bet, sounds like someone who's pretending to be posh going out side 'for a bet of fresh air. Fresh air, sounds like etc etc etc.

Friday, 21 December 2012

Does it tickle?

Have put the fifth installment of Only When I Arth on at Amazon. This is the first time anyone has been able to read the full The Gangster Brothers short story. Spotted a few mistakes in it as I did a final proof read. Need to type in 1,000 words of Goblins Versus Yetis. I have been ill and not wanted to finish typing stuff in. I have also only done a few hundred words of Factory Of Androids, which is the newly renamed Come Into Reality. Altogether I have done about 1,500 words of the third short story. Answer to the title question = Only When I Arth.

Friday, 7 December 2012

Arth, Arth...

My wife said something funny, and I wanted to put it on my blog, but I can't remember what it was. I was driving and therefore unable to make a note of it. Probably a B Flat. So the Only When I Arth first promotion has ended. I managed to get into the top 100 for comedy for about 12 hours in both America and the UK. The second promotion, OWIA2, will start on Saturday, I need to put it on 48 hours before it's needed because it is now a day late. Typed in 5,000 words of TGB so far and written 5,100 words of GVY. Saw an episode of TNG today that reminded me a little of the Arth universe, The Manaheim Effect? Dr Manaheim had accidentally caused a rift and allowed an opening into different dimensions that was causing a catastrophic event.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Soon to be Announced

I have written 2,500 words of Goblins Versus Yetis and typed in about 1,750 words of The Gangster Brothers. Tomorrow I shall prepare the first in the Only When I Arth promotion on Amazon. This will initially include one of the Goblin Adventures short stories, a sample of one of the Arth Series books and a piece of Flash Fiction. So Only When I Arth 1 has Hunting for Squink, then a sample of The Crying Pennant and The Inky Blackness FF. I will put it on for free on Saturday for five days then I shall put the next one on after that. I am hoping to put something on free every day for three months and then start all over again with OWIA 1 etc.

Friday, 23 November 2012

Happy Burp Day!

Managed to finish typing in The Goblin Nippers, it is over 7,000 words long. finished writing Gob Goes Golfing, did 1,000 words today (did a little planning for it in the Chaplaincy Centre at Leeds University.) Finished the final 500 words at Morrisons in York at my sons Burp Day meal, while looking after grandbaby. Just Goblins V Yetis to write. that is only at 250 words. I am planning the Only When I Arth promotion to start at the beginning of December. Have developed the first 7 jokey Tweets. Might go to the Nanowrimo tomorrow and do a little of Sid and Arthur Come into Reality. I have done 12,000 words so far, we'll see.

Friday, 16 November 2012

No nanowrimo

Felt too stressed trying to keep to the 1,600 a day word count for the nanowrimo. I have managed to do two 6,000 word short stories. I wanted to keep up with the Goblin Adventures though and have managed to do an extra 1,000 words of GGG. I have done some planning for the next short story and, as long as I do at least 500 words of TGA, then I will carry on with the nanowrimo.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

The Lay of the Land

So it has been on my mind to write an article about the way things work with self publishing. I have now written 7 books in the Arth Series plus two others in the same universe, Kendra book 1, two thirds of Kendra book 2, flash fiction short stories and novelettes. It is said that 80% of all Ebook sales are through Amazons Kindle or Kindle apps. Therefore this is by far the biggest market and the one that must be pandered to. I managed to get two of my books into the top 16 when I used the Kindle Select opportunity. This lasted five days. To get me into the top 16 I had about 300 downloads from America, about 45 from the UK and 15 from other countries. So that is 350ish downloads in 5 days to get me into the top 16. I found out that I did better than a local book publisher who did 320ish downloads in 5 days. I did get 15 paid for book sales after the promotion. In reality this is a sorry state of affairs. Another fact is that approximately 80% of all authors who publish on the Kindle earn less than $500 a year. So I got into the top 16, I have earned less than $100. I have 8,700 followers on Twitter, but most of these were gained by Twitter Karma, i.e. you add me and I'll add you. The biggest boost to downloads is when you give it away free and are able to add about 1,000 people a day on Twitter. About 250 people will follow you back and possibly 50 people or more will read your bio and download the book. This, along with the Twitter following you have garnered, gets you about 350 downloads or more. Ok, so if it is an excellent book and it takes hold and people start to talk about it then you might just get you your break. The thing is though that most self published books are in the sea of unnoticedness and are not making enough money to even keep their authors in coffees for more than a couple of weeks. So are we all, the good, the bad and the indifferent, just waiting for a break? 50 Shades of Grey isn't particularly well written, started off as Twilight fanfiction but got a break. Ok, so the author garnered a following on the book site she was publishing on and a Twitter and Facebook fan base but she still got a break. So what is the use, do we still keep plugging along waiting for the break, getting a few more fans and keeping our hand in or do we call a spade a spade and start digging a hole to bury us and our work in?

Sunday, 4 November 2012


Went to the York nanowrimo event at 44 The Shambles on Saturday and met the ten or so folks there. It was encouraging to talk to others about my and their works. Only wrote 650 words while I was there so I am down on my targets, about 1,000 words a day and not the needed 1,600 (although I have had Sunday sort of off.) So if I do manage 2,000 words tomorrow I will have finished one of the short stories. Did only 150 words of Gob Goes Golfing on Saturday, looks like that is on the back burner for now. Although this puts me behind on doing the 'Only When I Arth' promotions on Amazon the new short stories will mean that I may be able to keep the promotions up for the full three months. (However it also means I must keep to the 2,000 words a day target) [One shortfall to this is that I am not making sure I have two jokes or witticisms in each 100 words!] So it looks like I shall have to add funnies after I have written it. Will try to pop in to number 44 tomorrow but it would be nice to have written at least 1,000 words before I go there.

Friday, 2 November 2012


A DaVinci Co-Ed is now for sale on the Kindle and has had its first five start review!!! I have finished both The Goblin Nippers and The Gangster Brothers and have typed in 1,500 words of Gob Goes Golfing. I am attempting to do the nanowrimo write a book in a month thing after somebody I met suggested it. I have written about 2,000 words but need to write about another 2,000 today to keep on target. It is set after the last Arth Series book in our reality. Look out for the first 1,000 words of it on the nanowrimo website under my profile stephenjennisonsmith.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Post haste

I have finished typing in A DaVinci Co-Ed and proof read up to chapter eight. I have also written 1,000 words of The Gangster Brothers bringing the total up to 5,000 words. If I do another 1,000 words tomorrow then I will have finished the word count. Then I can start thinking about putting the 'Only when I Arth' experiment on Amazon. Also managed to type in 500 words of The Goblin Nippers, that is fully written but only has 1,500 words typed in. Feel a lot better now I am not visiting Sainsbury's, Monk's Cross, York regularly. It felt like Big Brother, the Orwellian nightmare not the Channel 4 series.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

T Shirt

I have typed in chapter 10 of ADC and started typing chapter 11. Also finished The Goblin Nippers but need to funny it up a bit. I will try to type in chapters 11 and 12 and the epilogue on Monday and Tuesday next week. Started on Goblins V Yetis and also a piece of flash fiction called The Twelve Rules of Comedy. As a side note, I am now being followed in Sainsbury's, Monks Cross, York. I noticed I was after I had looked at the magazines. I have no criminal record and do not steal anything so they are persecuting both me and my family because they have taken a disliking to us. They can't catch real criminals so they just pick on random people to persecute it seems. I have thought of wearing a T shirt with the words 'I THINK THE SECURITY GUARD FANCIES ME BECAUSE HE KEEPS FOLLOWING ME!' printed on it to see what happens. My wife thinks this is a bad idea. What do you think?

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

It's really good!

Somebody who bought The Crying Pennant gave me the above compliment and said she kept chuckling as she read it to a youngster. Didn't finish typing in ADC because I was fasting and praying last week. Have started a new Goblin Adventures story called The Goblin Nippers, based in the war dimension to go with Ground Hog War. I have also managed to write about 2,000 words of The Gangster Brothers. On chapter six of ADC typing in. I have basically done the front cover which will be for the 'Only When I Arth' free sample giveaway on the Kindle, just need to add the words. It is a composite of the cover of The Crying Pennant and 'Sid and Arthur's Space Operetta' covers. I have decided to use the picture of Sid and Arthur and put the book cover it is linked to behind.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Back and There Again.

Have written 2,000 words of ADC, only 500 to write and it's finished, bar the epilogue. So it looks as though next week is typing in and the week after proofreading. Have stopped writing The 24 until I have finished ADC. I have put two thirds of it on Wattpad which is what I usually do. Also managed to write another page of The Gangster Brothers, that's about 1,250 so far.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Typing while watching 24

I have finished writing chapter 11 of A DaVinci Co-Ed. I did the word count yesterday but just needed to finish on some kind of punch line. Managed to finish typing in chapter 5. I was also able to do about another 250 words of The Gangster Brothers, that makes about 1,000 altogether. I am working on their Nemesis, or is it Nemesees? The Smiths, Goldsmith, Wordsmith, Gunsmith etc. I am planning to have them as either detectives or super hero types.

Monday, 10 September 2012

New Post

I have a new post. It is in my garden, waiting to be chopped up for the stud partition wall repair!! I managed to finish chapter 10 within time last week which made me feel less under pressure on Saturday. Unfortunately never worked on any of The Gangster Brothers. They were a nasty piece of work, Stig Nasty made them. Kept up with The 24 by writing about 100 words a day. I now have a better feel for how it's going to end. I have only just realised that the slips I give out to prospective buyers did not have the Smashwords free link on them. No wonder they were confused when I told them 'Look, there's the free one on Smashwords'.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Typing Blog while watching Sharpe's Challenge

I managed to finish Chapter 9 of ADC on Monday and have written 1,086 words of chapter 10. Nearly completed 18,000 words of The Twenty Four. Have been working on what will happen at the end of the Arth Series. Wrote a little bit more of The Gangster Brothers but I think I'll hold off putting it on Wattpad for now. I have also typed in the first three chapters of ADC.

Monday, 27 August 2012

Post title

I finished chapter eight of ADC last week, did about 1,000 words on Saturday. The last 150 words should really have been the beginning of chapter nine, so I added a bit more and rewrote the end to make it the beginning of chapter nine. Am now putting a free sample of UAA on Wattpad. Got another encouraging comment for The Twenty Four. I think I will be about 10,000 words short for The Twenty Four. I don't know whether to bulk it up, add more to the beginning or to the end.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Meet the Authors

I attended the Meet the Authors conference at the Parvin, Haxby near York. Jack Everett was there as well as publishers Stairwell Books and Petan Books. Networked and listened to the seminars. Rohan said I can use his name for a character in one of my books as long as he dies heroically or marries and lives happily ever after. Managed to write 300 words of chapter 8 of ADC and 200 words of The 24 today.

Monday, 13 August 2012

Arth Quiz

How much do you know about the Arth Series?

1: Where did Arthur first meet Sid?

2: What is Rixymixiritarsis?

3: What was Alf's grandfather called?

4:What does IWT stand for?

5: What is Captain Shillane's ship called?

6: Which comedy legend is Adolph Hessler based upon?

7: Who provided the DNA for the Sherlock Holmes clone?

8: What does Fawh stand for?

9: Who was double Ha 7?

10: What is the Timewarped Timelord's time travel machine called?

If you cannot answer all of these questions then WHY HAVEN'T YOU READ THE BOOKS YET???

Friday, 10 August 2012

C30 C60 C90 GO!

Saw a man today who had a VW camper van in his drive. He said he had to replace all of the panels on it. He has had a few camper vans before. He also said he has had seven Beetles. I said, "You should get the exterminators around for that!"

Managed to write nearly 1,000 words of chapter seven of ADC. I may be able to do some tomorrow, we shall have to see. Have kept up with the serialisation of The 24, which means I am about half way through.

Also met a woman today who liked Victorian Historical Fiction. I told her I've written some steampunk but she said she didn't like SF.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Within Striking Distance

I need to write another 600 words to finish chapter 6 of ADC. Written just over 5 chapters of The 24. Also managed to type in another 500 words of Paradox Jones. This blog text editor does not appear to be working properly so I am typing it in as HTML. My wife tells me my book covers should look more professional. What do you think? Is it affecting sales? I could make the lettering for Ground Hog War look more like a Victor annual. I was not happy with the Up And Away cover, I did it in inks on Bristol board but couldn't seem to get enough detail on it. I might try copying the style of some Super hero graphic novels. The Detective One cover was really for Wattpad as a quickie.

Sunday, 29 July 2012

I write...

I write in the bath, in the car, in people's gardens, Starbucks, McDonalds, libraries, in bed, on the PC, iPad, Kindle, at friend's houses, at the top of my mother-in-law's stairs, while I am walking (if I get an idea), outside the front door, Costa, on the couch, at Leeds University, at York University, at York St. John's, the garage, on the bus, York College, Tesco cafe, Sainsbury's cafe, ASDA's cafe, Debenham's cafe, on tables, the back of magazine flyers, notebooks, scraps of paper, box lids, my wife's diary, receipts, paper cups, my son's Android phone...

Do I know any famous authors?

Managed to finish chapter 5 of ADC on Friday. Finished proof reading Dan's Amderesta book on Saturday. Also managed to write about 400 words of Paradox Jones. I want to finish it for a promotion I am planning on the Kindle. A would be fan asked me if I knew any famous authors. Hah! Do I? Have I met some? Gary Gygax the inventor of Dungeons and Dragons. He was also an author, but trying to explain it to the would be fan I had to ask whether he knew the games of Oblivion or Skyrim on the XBox 360. Then he was impressed. I have also met Steve Jackson, Ian Livingstone and Joe Deever who did the Fighting Fantasy books etc. I also think I saw Dennis Potter walking down the Fossgate in York city centre. My old tutor Graham Hey, he taught me animation at York College and worked for Viz and wrote 'Teenage Mum' for the Star newspaper. Do I know any famous authors? Do I? Are they famous enough? You decide.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012


I'm not going to tell you what the acronym SIBWAB means you'll have to guess. Managed to write 400 words of chapter four of ADC yesterday. They have turned up at a comic convention in the horror dimension. Possiblly Hurri-Con but maybe Rubi-Con. (Can you think of any other words ending with con? Or assonances?) Have kept up with 200 words a day for Kendra. Did insert 600 words in the middle though to provide a bit of character development. Put one of the poems on Wattpad I did for university about my daughter's dead rabbit. She has just started a new job. Only another couple of weeks and I will have finished putting the sample for The Sitting Duck onto Wattpad. To give me time to finish ADC I will probably have to put a sample of UAA on. SIBWAB could mean Some In Bedford Want A Bungalow... (Or as I mistyped, Bingalow. Then again was it the iPad that corrected it to Bingalow? What is a Bingalow?)

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Sitting at the station

I am sitting at York train station waiting for a friend to be picked up. Only wrote 500 words of ADC on Wednesday. Have managed to keep up with the 24. Did get very down on Friday and was going to pack the whole thing in.

Monday, 2 July 2012

Post Title

Managed to do 1,000 words of ADC of chapter three last week. Looked at it yesterday and only did about fifty words of unfunny stuff. Trying to plan what they do next. Do they go to Xanadu? If they do then why did they get a call from Lebil telling them Fawh had been captured? I will try and work on it today. Done about 6,000 words on Wattpad of The 24. At least it's getting there slowly at 200 words a day. Came sixth out of twenty four in the Sci-Fi Smackdown. It didn't have as much prose or description in as they liked. Needed to spend more time on it but was unable to. Was pleased with my cover though.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Shake your spear

Finished the Shakespeare themed story for the sic-fi Smackdown yesterday morning and put it on Wattpad. The cover is not very good so I will work on that tomorrow. I looked at some videos of A Midsummer Night's Dream on YouTube to help me out. I did do that play for my O Level in English Literature about 30 years ago. I tried to write 500 words a day. It needed something else so I made it humorous. Tried to make it a bit sparklier but I ran out of time and only really had time to proof read it. I did manage to keep up with The 24 but did put the last part on early this morning because I went to a friend's birthday party. So I haven't done anything for A DaVinci Co-Ed, I will have to try to get something done this week.

Friday, 15 June 2012

The Valley of Death.

Unusually, as I was driving my wife into Leeds, both a police car (in the guided lane to my right) and an ambulance responder (in the bus lane to the left) both seemed to be racing each other with lights flashing and sirens blaring. They jointly got to the corner and turned different ways!!! Do you think they were really racing each other? How unusual though.

Wrote about 300 words of The 24 and 300 of ADC. Worked on the Sci-Fi Shakespeare story yesterday. A Midsummer Night's Hologram I am planning. Goblins, Elves, weddings etc. (You may have guessed, I did get through to the next round of the Sci-Fi Smackdown.) I think I will make it funny but try not to do 4th wall jokes, we'll see. I can't remember what the other thing was that I wanted to comment on. Something else to do with Leeds I think.

Had a cup of coffee in Starbucks and didn't do any writing!!! Shock!!!

Police to the right of me, ambulance to the left of me,
Into the valley of Leeds rode the wife and I.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

When you're a Jet....

I may get into the next round of the Sci-Fi Smackdown on Wattpad, which is the Shakespeare round. I did read a Midsummers Night Dream for my English Literature O' Level when I was about 21. "Are we all met..." springs to mind, and Puck and Bottom, and a donkey's head and some fairies.

Wrote about 250 words of the 24 and 250 words of Chapter 2 of ADC. (That is nearly the AC/DC acronym!) Also managed to type in the beginning of Chapter 2.

Feel a little bit calmer than at the weekend.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Nearly Back to Normal

The Kendra promotion has finished. Still only marginally better than the last one I ran. I did, however, get 1,000 extra people following me on Twitter. And now have about 30 people reTweeting me whereas I only had about 8 before. People are still interested in Kendra, I am turning the 24 into the next Kendra book. Managed to write 400 words of it yesterday after my granddaughter's birthday party yesterday. Got the old puppet theatre out and after the obligatory pig and cow performance I managed to introduce them to Batman and the Riddler!!! The younger ones were a bit scared of my ventriloquist frog. Also managed to start chapter two of 'A DaVinci Co-Ed.' That's probably the title of the next one, and then again...

Sunday, 3 June 2012


Dark he was and olive eyed. Fierce as the sun and white as the moon. He led an army of 10,000 men all trained in the arts of war. He lived in the Bosom of Abraham with his wife and children, but warred upon the earth to satiate his battle lust and need for adventure. A half angel saved from the flood and, because of his home, an immortal. This is the story of Kendra the Nephilim.

Yes get yours FREE for the Kindle for the next 5 days.

If you don't have a Kindle then download the free apps from the Amazon site for PC, iPad, iPhone, iPod, iDunno...

Wednesday, 30 May 2012


Have only proof read 2 pages of Kendra today and 2 pages yesterday. I don't know if I will still be on target for the weekend. I did write 700 words of A DaVinci Code but then had to walk to the bank. Had to go to Beverley today to get two cars taxed for my brother-in-law.

My idea of trying to proof read 10 pages before breakfast has only worked twice so far!!! I did get bogged down yesterday trying to find out if I'd done the punctuation correctly for a long speech by one character.

(You are supposed to put speech marks at the beginning of each sentence but only finish the last sentence with them.)

Sunday, 27 May 2012


So, sounds like sew, sounds like sow. Proof read and edited another 10 pages of Kendra yesterday. Tidied some boxes up today. Read the Sunday Times in the back garden.

Proofread or proofread. Did I do it or do I have to do it, you decide!!!
Or you could let Prof Read do it (was that Prof Red or Prof Reed?) Maybe he can be a character in the seventh book like Teabing in The DaVinci Code. You read it here first (was that red...)

Friday, 25 May 2012

A DaVinci Code

Looked at what I have written for what is probably the seventh book in the Arth series. 3 months ago I had written about 1,250 words. Am trying to sort out the motives for the conspiracy. My son came up with a good name for the assassin. It will probably be called Sid and Arthur's: A DaVinci Code so that it sounds less like The DaVinci Code.

Proof read another 9 pages of Kendra, that is 10 altogether. I find that if I proof read 10 pages before I eat breakfast then that spurs me on (except that I only did 9 before breakfast today.) Tried doing a different picture for the front cover but am not happy with it so far.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

The Twenty Four

Floating. He was floating. Where was he, could he remember? He had been sent on a mission, a mission to look into the plans of the fallen ones. With 23 others he was to stop those now doomed to destruction, those who had defiled themselves with the flesh of man by taking human wives. This was Satan’s attempt to redress the balance for when he fell and took only one third of the angels with him. Half angel hybrids would redress the balance. The twenty four had been sent to stop the experiments on humans but they had fallen into a trap. Hundreds of the fallen ones were waiting for them and had beaten them into unconsciousness. So now he floated in a vat of liquid and he felt that his glory had left him. It was the slime he bobbed up and down in, a vile evil liquid that had robbed him of his eternal power. What did they want? surely not to turn him against God? He would never do it that is why he had been chosen in the first place. Raising his head slightly from the liquid he saw that the others he had come with were also in vats in a giant cavern somewhere on an asteroid in the Sol system. 


I have finally started proofreading Kendra. 1 done 53 more to go. I have also edited The Twenty Four which will be a piece of flash fiction telling the story of how Kendra came to be. Also finished Victorian Adventure Experiment today, that means about 5 days worth for Wattpad, then I will publish it at Smashwords. You will have to let me know if you want to read more VAS adventures, I have a good few scenarios that I played through with my kids 10 years ago that can be turned into stories.

I will put The Twenty Four on here first. I want to write more of it before I put it on Wattpad.

I did tell somebody the story today that Gimli, from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, may be based on my Sid the Dwarf. The Crying Pennant was published online about 16 years ago and he may have downloaded it to read. (I have no proof of this whatsoever but you never know!!!)

Monday, 21 May 2012

War, what is it good for?

Had a sleepless weekend. Managed to write another 500 words of VAE. I am trying to finish stories off that need to be finished before I start any big projects. War in the Precincts has about another 3 parts to type in. I managed to finish the second story for the science fiction smackdown on Wattpad and type it in for the weekend. I do need to proof read Kendra, it is three weeks late so far. (Somebody encourage me!)

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Coffee Sir?

Arthur was sitting at his desk, between takes, on the set of ‘Romancing The Drone’.
“I need a coffee Fox, “he asked his goopher.
“I’m a gopher not a goopher.”
“Really,” wondered Arthur, “I thought it was spelled gofor?”
“So two sugars and cream?”
“Yeas please my dear chap,” Arthur proceeded to put his feet on the desk and open his Financial Times.
Sid the dwarf came in. “Why are you calling me Sid the dwarf again?” questioned Sid of the Author, “Surely everyone knows who I am by now?”
“No they do not Sid. I met a woman at the car boot sale at the weekend and she didn’t know who you were.”
“As long as you don’t describe me as that again,” said Sid the dwarf, “Oi.”
“What?” asked Arthur.
“I wasn’t oiing you.”
“It sounded a bit like you were saying eyeing then.”
“What would I be eyeing you for?”
“My Financial Times?”
“I don’t know why you read that, you’re never around in any one dimension long enough to make any money at stocks and shares. Anyway you’re forbidden by the IPP Time Code from using time travel to profit from stocks and shares.”
“I just like keeping up with the business news.”
“I think it’s just part of your image, being a snob and all.”
 “What about your image as an inverted snob?”
“I thought an inverted snob was when you turned a snob upside down?”
“Oh very funny Sid.”
Fox came in with the coffee, “Here you are sir,” he handed it to Arthur.
“I want you to call me sire not sir.”
“Yes sir, sire.”
“Yes sir she’s my baby…” sang Sid.
“So is this piece of flash fiction actually about anything?” Arthur asked me.
“Not really. I thought I would get you two to perform so that new people who might read my stuff have a chance to get to know you.”
“We are not performing monkeys!” fumed Arthur.
“Well I’m not but you may be,” quipped Sid.
“Go away Sid and let me drink my coffee in peace.”
“If I freeze it for you and smash it on the floor then you can drink it in pieces.”
Arthur shook his newspaper to let Sid know that he would now be incommunicado for the next few minutes.
“ooOOoo,” ooOOooed Sid as he left to get a bottle of dwarven ale.

Friday, 11 May 2012

RTD Done

At last I have proof read Romancing The Drone. I have submitted it to Kindle, it will be on tomorrow, or today depending on where in time you are (not bad for a Science Fiction book.) It should have been on last weekend. I have also been laying carpets all week. Kendra will now be out next weekend, I was doing a piece of flash fiction every day but something went doolally with Wattpad on the last day.

I also managed to write another 800 words for the Sci-Fi smackdown. Am enjoying it, let's hope they do.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Laying Carpet

I have finished typing in Romancing The Drone. I managed to proof read a couple of pages before I had to go. I am having to help my mother-in-law to lay the stairs and front room carpets of her new council house. Then my wife was on my PC so couldn't do any then either. Have to finish laying the carpets tomorrow and go with my wife to hand her stuff in at uni. I have put it onto my Kindle but what's the use of reading it without being able to change it. You never know it might be for sale on Wednesday!!!

Found out I had missed out the titles to two James Bond films, so ended it differently.

Friday, 4 May 2012


Romancing The Drone: Managed to sort out and type in the end of chapter 11 and the beginning of chapter 12 (Chapter 11 was not long enough and chapter 12 was too long, they are both about right now.) Typed in 850 words of chapter 12 mostly on my wife's iPad.

Made up a 200 word piece for the Kendra flash fiction, I need to keep that going while I proof read the main book for the Kindle next weekend.

We visited Sainsbury's again today, the first time in a week or so. The security guards were conspicuously absent, probably after the phone call our friend made to the management. My wife was a lot less stressed.
Came up with the final joke of the book.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Accidents will happen

As I was crossing a corner this morning, I had just got to the opposite side of the road and this older fellow in a van cut the corner and looked at my dirtily. HE CUTS THE CORNER AND LOOKS AT ME, WHO ISN'T EVEN ON HIS SIDE OF THE ROAD!!! It reminded me of a time an elderly fellow looked at my son and me when we were on a cycle path and he thought we were on the normal path because he obviously didn't know he was on a cyclepath!

But all of that is small fry compared to the fact that while I was sitting in the car today parked outside one of my wife's pupils an elderly woman in a car knocked my wing mirror and knocked the mirror out of it. She didn't stop, well not because she had hit my car. But she did stop, down the road to buy a newspaper (and cut a bus off on the opposite side of the road.) I took her number plate and encountered her. She gave me her name and telephone number.

It is usually our other wing mirror that gets hit, at least 3 times this year so far. Why don't people stop? Surely they know they have had a knock of some kind? And it's older people doing it who should know better.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

The Kray Twins

As I was having a coffee in Cafe Maia at Leeds University last week with my wife and her friend. I told my wife's friend the story of my dad and the Kray twins. He was a taxi driver in the late fifties/early sixties. The story goes that, I think it was Reggie, asked my dad to carry him around to different pubs and clubs in London and paid him in advance to do it, £10 (a lot of money in those days.) They ended up at The Blind Beggar, Aldgate East. Reggie said, "I want you to drive me home now Les."
  My dad said, "I think I've had a few too many to drink."
  Reggie said, "I've paid you £10 in advance and I expect you to drive me home."
  My dad relented and got into his cab to drive Reggie home.
  As they got to the end of the street a policeman stopped the cab.
  "I think you've had a little too much to drink," the policeman said to my dad.
  "I think I have as well," replied my dad.
  The policeman was going to arrest him but said first, "I'll just see who your fare is." He opened the door, saw who was inside and said, "Mr Kray." Looking at my dad he told him to, "Carry on driver."
(Which was nearly the name of the Carry On film that my dad sold one of his cabs to!)

My wife's friend was amazed because one of her relatives was in the Kray gang or a hanger on. He was called Bunny (I said he must have looked after the Kray's rabbits. It was probably one of them that starred in 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' as the killer bunny!)

Monday, 30 April 2012

Nearly Finished

Wrote 700 words of chapter 12 of RTD, only 800 to go! Also fixed a friend's laptop today and typed in most of chapter 8 (I'll try to finish it before I go to sleep.) I am at the end of chapter 7 of the free stuff for RTD, I may have to do some flash fiction to keep it going until I publish it at the weekend.

Have written two bits of the Kendra flash fiction, it would be good to make it bigger to advertise the main book on Smashwords and possibly even Scribd.

I have entered for the Forbidden Planet Smackdown again. I need to write a straight SF short story and make sure there's lots of prose in it.

The first round is time travel. I am watching season 5 of Lost and am on the last episode tomorrow. Can they change the future? (People knew this years ago. Does that mean I have travelled to the past to find out what has happened? Are DVD's little pockets of time travel? What if you could buy little pockets of time travel? In DVD form? ? What do you think? You couldn't change anything then could you? Could you? Am I using too many question marks???

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Chapter 12

Managed to write 1,000 words of Chapter 12 of RTD today. Which means I might get the whole book typed up and finished for next week. If I can proof read Kendra then I might also get that out for next week as well.

I have come up with a sequence I like using the titles of James Bond films.

I have written about 700 words of what may be the seventh (and possibly last) book in the Arth series. It is supposed to be set in the horror dimension. (It doesn't start off that way though!)

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Rainy Day

Managed to write 480 words of RTD, typed in another 100 or so. I am behind about 200 words still. It may be finished for proof reading at the end of next week, I might have to pull a quintiple shift in Starbucks or something.

Bought Gran Torino from a charity shop for £1 and watched it with my son later on.

Listened to O'er the Hills and Far Away on Youtube because I had bought the first two Sharpe's from the charity shop. I did not realise I was missing Sharpe's Mission from my collection.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012


Have typed in 500 words of Kendra, only another 2 1/2 pages to do, although I might still have a bit to write to link the final battle up to the end. Will try to write 500 words of RTD in the car today. I am about 100 words down so far so need to probably write an extra 100 words.

Saturday, 21 April 2012


After talking to someone on Facebook I decided to look at a video about the Christian teaching on the Nephilim, by Chuck Missler. I had read a book called 'The Thirteenth Planet' about 17 years ago and had a few ideas about it.

I had a dream about 7 years ago where I saw a Nephilim who lived in the Bosom of Abraham, the initial idea for Kendra. The disconcerting thing was that the teaching on the Nephilim says that all the angels who took human wives were evil and are now locked up in Tarterus and the Nephilim are also evil. This means that there cannot be any good Nephilim so Kendra should not exist. So I have had to think of another way in which he could come into existence through a good angel and himself be good.

While I was thinking upon these things I stopped typing Kendra in and wondered where I should go next with it.

I managed to finish chapter 8 of RTD on Friday. Did a bit more of VAE today, the whole short story might be about 10,000 words altogether.

I have about two weeks to finish writing RTD and to proof read it before publishing it.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Woke up early

Woke up early and had a bath. Typed in 250 words of Kendra, there are only 2,000 words to type in. It has to be finished soon or the free stuff I am putting on Wattpad will catch up! Wrote and typed 500 words of chapter 10 of RTD. When I put the RTD offering on Wattpad I wasn't at my PC so I only put half on and some jokes.

Monday, 16 April 2012


Wrote 550 words of RTD chapter 10. That makes just over 1,000 words now. Typed in 425 words of Kendra before breakfast (I think that is a better way of doing it.) Typed in 500 words of chapter 6 of RTD on iPad.

Got some craft knives from the £shop.

Friday, 13 April 2012


I am Twittering and putting my stuff on at the library today. My internet is not on until possibly tomorrow or Monday. I should be able to update everything tomorrow but Sunday may be a problem.

Wrote about 250 words of chapter 9 of RTD. Typed in about 500 words of chapter 6 of RTD. Planning to type in 1,000 words of Kendra (which should be easier because there's no internet to put me off the task.)

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Jumbly Day

Typed in 750 words of Kendra. Wrote about 250 words of RTD and got the total up to 400 a few minutes ago. (Should have done RTD first and typing second.) Found out that I hadn't put the correct part of CHAPTER SIX of RTD on Wattpad, so I typed the first bit in and rectified it. Explained to the readers what I had done.

I need to keep up with typing Kendra in or it won't be finished when I wxpect it to.

I will reuse the joke I put on Twitter the other day.

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the library. I banged my funny bone and it affected my humerus.

(One person replied with HA! By Holmes I think they got it!)

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

MP vs AP

Went to a friends house and was able to write between 600 and 750 words of VAE, also 250 words of WITP. I had written 535 words of RTD (and did another 35) and typed in about 500 words of Kendra. When I got home typed in 254 words of VAE.

My friend's daughter put about 500 words of her story on Wattpad. She had 66 reads earlier that then reverted to 14 reads? How odd. She now has 44 reads, I wonder what happened?

Wednesday is supposed to be girlie day for my wife and kids but with the security vendetta against us at Sainsbury's, Monks Cross, they will probably have to go to Tesco or something!!!

Monday, 9 April 2012

9th April on the 10th of April

Wrote 500 words of chapter 9 of RTD. Typed in about 1,000 words of Kendra. The daughter of a family friend came. I tried to encourage her to put the story she is working on on Wattpad. Managed to put another bit of VAE on. Have one more bit to type up.

My wife and daughter were followed again by Sainsbury's security staff. We found out that one of them is at the highest possible warning before he can be sacked. The way they are going on it looks like they want to lose their jobs!

Saturday, 7 April 2012


Typed in about 1,250 words of Kendra. Had to change what I had written because I needed to make things fit with what comes later. Typed in about 750 words of VAE and put one part on Wattpad. Wrote about another 250 words of VAE at Sainsbury's. The security guards are still staring frostily at us. Maybe they should try picking on shoplifters and not honest citizens.

I plan to update VAE for the next 4 days at least, it might nearly be finished then. If I keep typing 1,000 of Kendra in each day then I might finish the typing in the next 10 days :) .

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Chapter 8

Finished chapter 8 of RTD. Typed in 350 words of Kendra. Typed in 225 words of War in the Precincts last night.

Hopefully I'll get 1,000 words of Kendra typed in tomorrow.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012


I wrote 500 words of Chapter 8 of RTD and typed in about 1,000 words of chapter 5. Also wrote another 250 words of War in the Precincts and 250 words of Victorian Adventure Experiment.

Monday, 2 April 2012

April Fools Day

Totally missed April Fools Day. Remembered too late.

I wrote another 500 words of chapter 8 of RTD today. Didn't type any of Kendra in. Proof read up to page 100 of Amderesta for Dan. Typed and wrote a little more of War in the Precincts. Got a piece of wood to fix against the wall in the bathroom. Took grand daughter for a walk on her leash thing.

Played Red Dead.

Saturday, 31 March 2012

Clear Up

We cleared the garden to the flat yesterday, nasty business. My cheap plastic gloves kept snapping.

Met some of the family I hadn't seen in ages. Suffered from smoke inhalation.

I am going to try to plan the last 5 chapters of RTD. The problem that I have at the moment is that the characters have turned up at the Skull Island base to rescue the drone and have basically done it by chapter 7.

Friday, 30 March 2012


Managed to type in over 1,000 words of Kendra and 1,000 words of RTD yesterday. Also put on a bit of War in the Precincts. Toady I need to take some rubbish to the dump. Chinoiserie is a mixture of Chinese and European stylised art on pottery etc.

Managed to fix the bath plug with a small metal clip costing a couple of pence. My daughter washed the dog that doesn't mind being washed. Had to walk to Morrisons to get some passport photos. The woman on the counter gave me some 50p pieces and 3 pound coins. She said "Sometimes the pound coins don't work in the machine."
What she should have said is that they never work in the machine.
I had to ask the assistant manager to guard the booth for me while I got some more 50p's.

Thursday, 29 March 2012


A word I heard on Youtube today, the actress got the definition wrong. I spelled definition definitoon which is much funnier.

Wrote and finished chapter 7 of RTD today, it is all typed in, just need to catch up on the typing for chapter 5 and 6. Typed in 1,000 words of Kendra, I must get it done before I run out of the free bits I'm giving away on Wattpad.

Aek gave me some advice yesterday. He told me to put my serialised work on in bigger parts and not to have too many. I think that's why Kendra can't get above the top 40 on Wattpad.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Da da da da da da da da Batman!!!

TheBatman put my short story for his mini competition onto Wattpad yesterday. It's called Wakey Wakey. I Tweeted it for him and he got 50 extra reads!

Wrote 550 words of RTD yesterday (chapter 7) typed in the rest of chapter 4. Did a little bit of War in the Precincts, that one is nearly finished. Have written about 200 words of RTD today. My wife is poorly so no coffee at her pupil's house today :(  .

Will try to to 1,000 words of RTD today to free Friday up. Going to see Uncle David and Grandad today as well.

Monday, 26 March 2012

26 Marth

The above is a mis-spelling but I decided to keep it because it looks funny. Will try to update my blog every day, even if it's just a sentence.

Starting chapter 7 of RTD today, Sid and Arthur need to get captured (in fact they did at the end of chapter 6). Then Biggs and the others need to rescue them. I wonder how they get there? The Arthmobile is still broken. IWT's are too easy. A bus maybe?

Cut another tile for the bathroom. When I was doing the bath tiles yesterday another one fell off. I was trying to renew the grout.

Will try to type 100 words before I go to the library. Will take a flask to have a coffee there.

Saturday, 24 March 2012


On Wednesday I managed to finish the end of Kendra, just a few paragraphs before the end to finish and lots of typing. Was poorly on Thursday so didn't write any of Romancing the Drone (Did however come up with about 600 words of maybe another book called A DaVinci Code!)

Need to write about another 200 words of RTD to finish chapter 6 today. Wrote about 300 outside before breakfast on the garden table.

My wife had a shock yesterday, a friend who was with her got detained by security guards at Sainsburys, Monks Cross, York. She had done nothing wrong and was very distraught. She has been told she can take them to court over it for defamation of character.

Monday, 19 March 2012


Wrote about 300 words of War in the Precincts yesterday. Wrote about 220 words of Romancing the Drone in bed this morning. Wrote about another 400 words of RTD at my daughter's. I felt tired so will have to revise it tomorrow.

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Kendra next part

The Bosom of Abraham existed in the crossover point between heaven and earth. From there even could be seen the place where the damned dwell, separated by a gigantic chasm below the membrane between them. It was ever light, lit by the light of heaven. A man could live there, for the physical makeup was the same as the earth, grass, rocks, water. It was large, like a massive island ripped from the earth itself and suspended between there and heaven. Pass through the almost invisible barrier and you were in heaven. To get to the earth needed bending of the lines to travel between planes. This was a gift to some, those who are the sons of angels and the righteous men and women that populate it.
As with those on the earth, the population started off in family groups. Children were born to them and eventually the city was built. One created never to know war nor want.
Salinas was sitting in the house when Kendra appeared from the garden. She smiled winsomely to him. “I have some news my dear.”
“What is that?”
“I am with child.”
“We have waited an age for this blessing!”

Kendra’s son, Chelnuk, was an astute boy. Many a time he could be seen bartering in the city and coming back with a good deal. He preferred fruit and vegetables to meat or chicken. One of his hobbies was to collect things from the land of men. Anything his father could bring back with him. A trumpet, battered from being in battle, a short bronze sword – chipped from fighting, a hair brush (that really was his mother’s but which he kept in his collection.) His sister collected shells and even he had some, but he thought they were a bit boring. Things that were special to him were the things his father used in battle. One unusual thing was a cartwheel that his father had killed a mighty enemy warrior with. He had specifically asked his father to retrieve it from the battle scene. It was used as his bed head. To it were pinned all sorts of small keepsakes, a feather from a peacock (not native to the Bosom), a dragon’s tooth, a picture drawn on a leaf and many other things.
He would sit on his bed with his collection of coins and imagine himself as a king in charge of finances, having to pay for war or providing for the needs of his people. His sister would tease him and knock his piles of coins over then he would tease her back and hide her shells, especially the bigger ones. Sarine, Kendra’s daughter, looked under her bed. There were lots of things under her bed including many shells, but not the bright blue conch shell.
“Mum, Chelnuk has hidden one of my shells again!” she whined.
“Chelnuk, why do you tease her so?”
“She knocked my coins over!” replied Chelnuk.
“Help me find it mum?” asked Sarine.
“I am too busy. I need to prepare a meal for you father. If you still have not found it later I will help you.”

The little girl drew out a stool from her desk and stood on it to look at the topmost shelf but still could not find it.
“Now where could he have put it?” she asked herself.
Getting off the stool and skipping to her parent’s room she looked in their blanket box. Sure enough, tucked under the bottom most blanket was the blue conch shell.
This teasing was all good natured, there being no evil spiritual influence felt in the Bosom for the demons were kept out by the membrane that existed between the Blighted Land and the Bosom.

Sometimes Chelnuk would go down to look at the chasm, and across it to see if he could see any of those damned to destruction. Many a time did he see a disembodied spirit or what seemed to be a floating jellyfish throw itself at the membrane. His mother had told him never to tarry too long near it or to look into evil that was on the other side. But he was intrigued about the life that flowed back and forth over the dark part of the land that was ripped from the earth when the Bosom was created long ago.
As Chelnuk stared across the chasm, Kendra appeared by his side. “Son, why do you stare so through the membrane?”
Chelnuk jolted, as if being caught doing something wrong, “No reason Father,” he said averting his eyes.
“Oh Chelnuk, even looking at this distance into evil causes you to be deceitful.”
“Sorry Father, I just like looking at the shapes of the spirits and seeing if I can spot people, or other Nephilim.”
“Well then, the truth at last. Do not be eager to leave the Bosom my son, for if you do, and go into the world of men, you will experience all forms of temptation and sin. Thence may you also find out your heart, whether it is good or evil, and so be separated from us for ever if evil is found in you.”
“But Father, how do I know if I am good or evil?”
“Only our Lord knows who are his in this place. I pray that you are His.” He ruffled Chelnuk by the hair and said, “Let’s be home now to taste your mother’s fine meal.” Then, “did you get the peppers from the barter I told you about?”
“Yes, but they are a bit small. I think he picked them too early.” They made their way back home.

Kendra was a little distant at mealtime. “What is it with you?” asked Salinas.
“I should be with my men, we have a battle in the next day or two and I shall not return home until it is finished.”
“I worry about you. You are not like your father, an immortal. I do not wish you to visit me as a spirit, and to spend my life as a widow in this place, until the end of time.”
He smiled at her and held her hand. “Thank you for coming to this place with me, and for understanding that my heart is both angel and man, a fighter with two halves. If I am wounded badly my father’s gift will return me here to be tended by your loving hands.”
She smiled and they kissed.

Monday, 12 March 2012

Kendra Part 10

The dew dripped from the flowers, the grass was wet. His toes could feel the wetness as he turned and saw the black man staring back at him.
“What are you doing in my garden?” asked Nimr.
“I, er, I got lost!” replied Kendra.
“You are a big man. I could use you in my personal guard. Are you any good with a weapon?”
Kendra grasped the hilt of the sword strapped to his back and swung it to and fro. He expertly turned the blade in his hands and made cutting motions in the air letting out a cry as he hacked into a tree.
“Impressive,” nodded the ruler of Babylon, “but you have injured my tree.” He paused for a moment then offered Kendra a deal. “I’ll give you an ephah of gold for a year’s service, all the food and women you want.”
“I have a wife already.”
“So do I, but I still have all the women I want.” He laughed and Kendra did also, but in a kind of disbelief. The king, who took this to be a sign of acceptance, came over to Kendra put his arm around his back and led him to the palace.

The palace was large and was luxurious compared to the buildings surrounding it. Guards stood near the doors dressed in leather and red cloth. As they entered the hallway Kendra saw cloth hanging in tresses from the ceiling. In the Great Hall the throne stood at one end with two lit censors either side. Tables stood around the centre of the room in a giant square leaving a central area for entertainments and were set for a banquet, guests were already arriving.
“Come eat with us,” called the King.
Kendra sat in an empty space and picked a leg of beef.
“How do you like the new guard?” Nimr asked a courtier.
“He is a big one. I bet he could take three normal ones on!”
“Maybe I will get him to when he finishes eating,”
Wine flowed generously, served by women clothed in skimpy dresses. One guest grabbed a young woman. She did not resist, he pulled her up to his lips and they kissed. Kendra looked in disbelief.
“Come,” shouted a herald, and exotic dancers filled the floor. Their motions were erotic and Kendra, embarrassed, looked instead at his food.
“Why do not look at the women? You can take any you wish, have them here in front of us all, as we will.”
The Nephilim thought, “This is the kind of thing that was happening before the Flood.” He stood up and Nimr saw him.
“Will you show us all here your skills against my champion? The dancers stopped and withdrew to the edges of the room. A tall rugged guard stood up and threw the bone he was gnawing to the floor. He wiped his lips on his arm then made his way to the centre of the room. Kendra took up the challenge and walked towards the champion. No niceties, the champion swung and Kendra and caught him by surprise in the chest.

Romancing the Drone part 21

“Goodbye,” replied Arthur as he cancelled the call. He then put the phone back in his pocket.
“I thought that phone was in your holdall?” queried Sid
“It was,” replied Arthur, “continuity mistake maybe? Never mind it’s in my pocket now.” Arthur looked beyond the tree cover. “Where are we then?”
“In a wooded area, near some trees, by a copse.”
“I can see that, although that description is the same thing thrice. I meant are we in St. Cyrilsburg?”
“Yes, in a wooded area. Near some trees…”
Arthur stared down at Sid trying to let him know that he was being annoyed.
“By a copse?” finished Sid simperingly.
“Did you not see I was annoyed with you?”
“I thought it would be funny.”
“You thought it would be funny?” said Arthur, hands on hips.
“If you don’t stop trying to bully me I will leave you in this wooded area, near some trees by a copse.”
“Oh really, and you think the Author would allow that?”
“I don’t care about him, if I want to leave I will,” Sid left and as he did so he turned his helmet speakers up to loud.
“Great,” mumbled Arthur, “I needed him to get me into the CGB compound. I do not even know where it is.”
Arthur looked through the things in his bag. He found a map of the compound on his phone. He then used his sat nav to look for the CGB compound, but of course he couldn’t find it. “Where is the flubbing thing?” he flubbed.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Romancing the Drone 16 - 20

.” He then picked out a set of long johns, “100 Markkas please.”
“But if you are a Britannic agent should you not give them to me?”
“Strict instructions from N, you have to pay for everything. Something to do with your devastating clumsiness.”
Arthur got his credit card out.
“Ooh,” exclaimed Sid, “can I have some sweets as well? I love Finnish chocolate and I can’t get my change out, being in my battlesuit.”
“Alright,” grumbled Arthur.
“And an ‘I’ve been to Helsinki’ sticker for the back of my battlesuit.”
“you are lucky we do not have to get sponsorship deals, you would have logos all over.”
“All over logos,” thought Sid, “sounds like… “
He didn’t come up with anything.
“What’s the matter Sid?” I asked, “are you stuck for a witticism?”
“Well, I don’t know what all over logos does sound like. It sounded like you wanted a good punch line but nothing materialised.”
“You haven’t lost your mojo?” I asked, “We are near the beginning of the book, I can’t have one of the funniest characters losing his mojo.”
“That means you think…” began Arthur.
“Shut up Arthur,” I said, angrily, “this could be potentially serious.”
“You still have me,” said Arthur, who was now a little hurt.”
“I am sorry Arthur, I shouldn’t have snapped. I am just concerned about Sid.” I spoke then to Sid, “Do you need some Sid pills Sid?”
“Naw, I don’t take Sid pills anymore. That was just in a piece of flash fiction, I don’t want to get addicted to them. They may have side effects.”
“Do you want to try for that punch line again Sid?” I gently coerced.
“All over logos,” tried Sid again, “sounds like someone called Loe goes all over the place.”
We all laughed, but nervously, because it was a bit of a weak joke.
“I must get into my long johns,” said Arthur. “Is there anywhere I can change?” He inquired of the proprietor.
“You’ll have to use the loo,” replied the proprietor.
“I hate having to get changed in public lavatories,” grumbled Arthur.
“Excuse me, but are you casting aspersions on my toilet?”
“Er, of course not old chap, I would not cast aspersions on anyone’s toilet. Could you show me the way?”
“Up the stairs, turn left, follow the hall down to the end, up another flight of stairs then the last door on the right.”
“Stairs, left, hall, stairs, right,” mumbled Arthur.
“Are you sure you’ve got that? It’s just that I don’t want you seeing my wife.”
“What’s the matter with your wife?”
“Nothing, she is very beautiful.”
“Then why don’t you want me to see her?”
“In case you scare her.”
“What’s the matter with me? Am I scary?”
“Yes. No. I mean she might think it’s me using the loo and get a fright if she sees it’s you.”
“Oh. Well it’s the stairs, left, end of hall, stairs and the door on the right.”
“The last door on the right.”
“Last door,” memorised Arthur as he started up the stairs.
Sid chewed some sweets and asked the shop proprietor to stick the sticker on his back.

Arthur found his way to the lavatory without any mishaps and got changed into his long johns. As he left he heard a strange sound coming from one of the rooms. It sounded like Classic FM. He was tempted to look in but remembered the proprietor’s caveat, so he made his way back into the shop. When he got there Sid and the proprietor were nearly crying with laughter. “Did I miss anything?” he inquired.
“It was so funny,” said Sid, “those boots fell down onto that… Aww you had to be here really, it was an exceptional piece of visual comedy.”
“Visual comedy doesn’t translate well into a book,” commented the proprietor.
“Rather,” agreed Arthur, “funny how it happened when I was out of the room.”
“Yeah it was funny,” sniggered Sid.
“I suppose they will make something of it if it ever goes into film.” Arthur turned to the proprietor, “thank you for your long johns. By the way, what is your name?”
“Helstig. That means you can use it when you see me at the end of the book.”
“Do you know something I do not know?”
“I’m just guessing.”
“Well thank you again, goodbye.”
“Bye Helstig,” said Sid as both he and Arthur left the shop.
Sid didn’t allow Arthur a breath before he picked him up and began to fly again, towards Varangia.

The proprietor flipped the lid up on his counter to reveal his radar monitor and radio. “Father Christmas calling Rudolph, come in.”
“This is Rudolph,” said a voice on the other end, suspiciously like N’s.
“Arthur has just flown off from ‘The North Pole’ with Sid the dwarf. On the way to pick up the parcel.”
“Oh bother,” said Rudolph, “I didn’t want him to go with anyone else. That might muck things up.”
“I did give him a special ‘I’ve been to Helsinki’ sticker. If it comes to the worst and they look like they’re going to succeed I’ll blow the electrics on the suit.”
“Very good Santa Claus. Keep our eye in the sky on them once they get into Varangia. Over.”
“I’m Father Christmas, not Santa Claus,” blubbed Helstig.
“Same difference. Over and out.”


In a wooded area, near some trees, by a copse, landed Sid with Arthur. Sid popped his helmet open. Rock music was blaring out of his speakers. “So we’re here then,” he said.
“Can you not turn those speakers down? We do not want to draw attention.”
“Don’t you like Steamhammer?”
“It is not about my musical taste but about the covert nature of the operation.”
“Sorreeeee!” exclaimed Sid as he turned down the volume.
“That reminds me, I must send some flowers to her, to say sorreeeee.” He got his mobile phone out and dialled. “I don’t seem to be able to get a signal.”
“Here let me try,” offered Sid as he held out his gauntleted hand.
“I can boost the signal with my suit.”
“Okay,” relented Arthur as he handed Sid his phone.
Sid attached a wire into the phone and pressed redial. A voice answered, “Romance Flowers, can I help?”
Sid gave the phone back to Arthur.
“Erm, I would like to order some flowers please, to be delivered today.”
“Of course Sir, what is the name and the address please?”
“Arianne Pendragon, The Castle, Castle Road, Undercastleton, CAS CZ1.”
“Thank you Sir, and what would you like to send her?”
“What colour?”
“How many Sir?”
“A baker’s dozen in case one gets lost.”
“That is thirteen roses Sir.”
“Never mind about the spare, send her 12.”
“Alright Sir, and can I ask for your credit card details?”
“I do have an account with you, can you charge it to that?”
“Let me just check…”
Arthur put his hand over the phone, “I was going to say that sounded I was going to get lost.”
“You know, when I said in case one gets lost it sounded like I might get lost.”
“Oh you mean the royal we type thing?”
“Yes that is it.”
The flower shop owner came back on the phone. “That’s fine Mr. Pendragon, I’ll see she gets them today. Can I ask what the personal message will be?”
Arthur tried to whisper into the phone with his hand over it slightly, “From Fluffy to Bunny, kiss, kiss, kiss.”
“Right Sir, is there anything else?”
“Goodbye then.”
“Goodbye,” replied Arthur as he cancelled the call. He then put the phone back in his pocket.
“I thought that phone was in your holdall?” queried Sid
“It was,” replied Arthur, “continuity mistake maybe? Never mind it’s in my pocket now.” Arthur looked beyond the tree cover. “Where are we then?”
“In a wooded area, near some trees, by a copse.”
“I can see that, although that description is the same thing thrice. I meant are we in St. Cyrilsburg?”

Kendra 7, 8 and 9

“But they are God’s creatures how can you wipe them from the face of the earth?” inquired Medin.
At last he opened his eyes, they flashed with indignation, “Do you wish that your wives and children be mauled and slain, or that you all live in fear your whole lives?” He stood and addressed them all. “Why should we remain beholden to a God that no longer speaks or meddles in the affairs of man? Send me your best hunters, those skilled with the spear and bow. I will teach them and lead them.”
“But what do we do in the meantime?” wondered Plebin, now a little afraid of the monster he had awoken.
“Build walls of mud around the settlement, I will show you how.”
Nimr took charge of the building works. People made mud bricks and he showed them how they should build a high mud brick wall, higher than any had dared build before. Its base was thicker than the top and it rose to three times the height of a man and high enough to stop most of the taller hunting creatures.
They also sent him their good hunters, those skilled in the spear and bow. When the building works were under way, he led the hunters to destroy those beasts closest to the city. Until that time men had lived in villages or small towns or even in tents, open to the wild.
Some creatures were fast and strong and intelligent, and it was impossible to catch them in pits, with nets or with the bow. Nimr thought long and hard to try to find a way to hunt them. There were goodly creatures, ones that could be useful to men, “If we could use the speed of the horse and the leopard we could catch them easily.”
One of the hunters had befriended a group of horses, his name was Tarn. Nimr asked for his help. “Tarn, have you ever tried to sit upon one of the horses?”
“My son tried once, but they are proud and were not willing to be ridden upon. The horse threw him to the ground, he badly hurt his back.”
“I am not a man to give up so easily, I would try to succeed.”
 A horse was eating near Tarn’s house. Nimr ran up to the roof and launched himself onto the back of the animal, he grabbed onto it’s mane with his hands. The startled animal bucked and reared. It was a minute or two before Nimrod was thrown to the ground. He landed on his bottom with a bang.
Stunned at first he drawled, “I shall not be mastered by any animal,” he made for the horse again, but it soon escaped.
“You will have to catch it with a rope first, but it would be best if you tried to calm it down before you tried to ride it!”
Nimr could see another horse. He took a rope and made a noose. Tarn gently spoke to it and offered it an apple. Nimr came quietly over and slipped the looped rope over its head. It pulled back a little but was not scared. Tarn patted its neck. Nimrod leapt onto its back and pulled the rope tight. This gave him more grip as the horse bucked and jumped to try to get rid of its unwanted rider. It was only a few more minutes before Nimr had tamed it. “Now I have the speed of a horse to aid me in my hunt.” The horse walked forward, Nimr lost his balance and fell off. “Maybe there is more to sitting on a horse than I thought,” he said as Tarn laughed.

It watched its prey. The little girl knew nothing about it. As she skipped and jumped in the mud the thing watched her. It was about to pounce when something flew past its head and landed beside her. The velociraptor, startled, started to run. As it passed the girl it knocked her over and she began to cry. A black man, riding a horse with a bow and arrows and two leopards gave chase. The leopards could match the speed of the dinosaur. Nimr again raised his bow and fired it accurately at the neck of the dinosaur. The iron point was sharp enough to pierce its neck. It squealed, lurched forward and fell. Nimr reined his mount and went to check his kill. It was dead, he was victorious.
The mother of the little girl had seen what had happened and had gone to hold her child to her breast. She then ran to the settlement saying, “The rider has rescued my child.” As a crowd gathered round she related the story of the rescue to them.
Nimr skinned the creature and spread out its hide to dry in the sun. A villager approached him and spoke. “The elders of the village would like to honour you with a celebration feast tonight. You are the hero of our village.”

The village was a group of dwellings surrounding a green. There was a festive feel in the atmosphere as villagers readied the green by decorating the long tables with flowers and straw decorations. Poles were erected with strings linking them together, also hanging with decorations. Nimr was escorted to the chief elder’s house by his sons and daughters. There they had him bathe and rest then gave him a robe to wear instead of his hide armour. He chatted to the oldest of the girls, a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed girl. As her father entered, he brought with him the child that Nimr had inadvertently rescued.
“What is your name?” asked the elder.
“My name is Nimr,” he replied.
“What does that mean?”
“It means ‘leopard tamer’.”
“My name is Drathan it means ‘cottage’.”
One of the younger daughters came in. “Father, Sharnak is here.”
Sharnak came into the room and pronounced, “We are ready for you now, warrior hero.”
Nimr was led out by the two elders, followed by the others who had been in the house. Maidens went before them adorned with flowers scattering petals over and before Nimr and the procession. The rest of the villagers lined the path to the green.
He was led to the centre of the table and sat at the head. Villagers had constructed a gazebo over his seat to protect him from the sun. Sharnak spoke, “We now welcome and honour this hero for the rescue of the child Leth.” He began to clap and cheer, the others did also. Food was brought in and they sat down to eat.

Nimr looked magnificent riding upon a horse, two leopards in his entourage. Good hunters flocked to him. The elders were weaklings so he therefore needed to be in charge. He was a mighty hunter, he should lead the people. There were not enough men from the surrounding villages who agreed that he should be their leader. His rhetoric was not good enough to convince all the villages that he should lead them so he took his young men, his hunters, into the wilderness and the mountains to show them hardship and train them in the arts of war. They became tough and brutal, good at spear and bow, disciplined and willing to follow their leader into any venture he suggested.
The closest village to his was Clem’s. His men went into the village and rounded up the adult males. When Nimr entered the village he gave them all an ultimatum. “Become my subjects, or you shall be put to death.”
The men of the village looked to Clem and his two sons. Clem stood firm and spoke up to Nimr, “Me and my sons shall never submit to an upstart who threatens murder and promises servitude.”
Nimr looked at the soldier closest to Clem and nodded. The soldier raised his spear and brought it down into Clem’s heart. His sons leapt forward too late to stop it, they too were speared to death. The rest of the male villagers knelt in submission. This is how Nimr became the ruler of the valley, usurping the natural leadership of village elders. Some of the men he took to be his soldiers, others he made to work in his fields to provide food for his growing army and to build his city and the walls around it. He gathered those from the surrounding villages into this city either by war or promising them that they would be safe from the wild creatures.