The Arth Series

The Arth Series
Click on the picture above to go to the Smashwords giveaway.

Monday, 28 March 2016

TEABAG Goblins part 4

As the four of them were on the way, Tunning-Cymbals was whacking some high grass with a stick. “Who are we supposed to be again?” he shouted towards Ruhtra.
Erm...” ermed Ruhtra, because he had not thought that far forward.
What!” exclaimed Smetherwick the 3rd, “we are just walking into an enemy goblin camp without a proper back story?”
You're goblins aren't you? Wibbled Ruhtra in his general direction.
What does that mean, we're from a different tribe?”
Clone factory don't you mean,” inserted Jamestown Vinegrette.
Smetherwick looked witheringly at Vinegrette, “That's not the point,” he looked back at Ruhtra, “goblins from different tribes don't get on unless they have strong leadership. We don't know any of the call signs or special phrases.”
What special phrases?” queried their temporary leader.
Every tribe uses special phrases in conversation with other goblins to feel part of the group and to find out if there are spies among them.”
Ruhtra wondered, “So what are your special phrases then?”
Can you hear me mother!”
Very Sandy Powell,” withered Ruhtra.
Sandy Powell,” queried Tunning-Cymbals.
Don't say that it's just a coincidence that you are using one of his catch phrases?”
It's just a coincidence.”

I said don't say it !”

Sunday, 27 March 2016

TEABAG Goblins 3



The tower of Awat (which is only the name Tawa turned around backwards) didn't so much loom in the distance as flibble. Now flibble isn't really a word and even if it was I don't know what it means. Something similar to loomed but either more or less ominous depending on my mood.

"What's he on about?" listened to my thoughts thought Ruhtra.

The goblins seemed to have no idea what he was on about and thought that he might have been speaking about Bartram.

Now Bartram had no direct orders so, using his common sense, landed behind some tallish trees and bushes to hide the ship from the tower.

"What is he doing?" moaned the shape changer who assumed he was in charge even though he was just a liaison officer. He went to see the yeti. As he entered the bridge he started to chunter, "And what do you think you are dong?"

"I had no direct orders so..."

"Sew?"

"No so."

"no no, sew so."

"What does that mean?"

"Not sew but so?"

"So?"

"Erm, to get back on track, why did you land so far from the tower?"

"We don't want to be seen by the bad guys before we get there do we? We want to remain inconspicuous for as long as possible, until we have the queen at least."

"Pantomime dame."

"Whatever."

Ruhtra rolled his eyes (but not along the floor as he could do), "I suppose you're right, I'd better change."

"What into?"

"A goblin prince, what else. You two can wait with the ship until we get back. If I make the signal then come and pick us up."

"What signal?"

"Er, a flare in the sky?"

"Have you got a flare gun?"

"No."

"Well how are you going to do that then?"

"I don't know."

Bartram reached into one of the drawers of the bridge and retrieved a flare gun with two flares and then handed it and them to Ruhtra.

"Why two flares?"

"In case one doesn't work."

"Oh," ohed Ruhtra as he morphed into a goblin prince then accepted the flare gun and flares.

Saturday, 26 March 2016

TEABAG Goblins 2


Colonel Arthur Pendragon (OOT) was looking at the document files concerning the new goblin personnel that were being made to be part of the East Anglian Special Operations Section. "Blingtinton Smetherwick III, how pretentious," he went on to read out loud, "the seventh son of the king of the Flauban goblins. Has previously worked in both entertainment and publishing industries. Highly intelligent but also a snob. Dislikes dwarves intensely but manages to keep a lid on it." He mused for a second, "I hope that Sid can keep a lid on it."
"On what?" asked his teacup.
Derisively Arthur rebuked his cup, "Would you stop turning yourself into different items to try to get early intel on our operations!"
The cup morphed into Ruhtra, the shape changer. "I say, not enough caffeine in your tea? Grumpy and tired still?"
"Pish posh," pish poshed Arthur as he wafted the documents around in front of Ruhtra, "away with you, and see if you can get Sid for me."
"I am a liaison officer not a servant."
"You can be anything you like, you're a shape changer."
Huffing, Ruhtra left the room to get Colour Sergeant Sid Scubbins.



Sid entered the room, regimentally, and saluted.
"Very regimental Sid, now at ease."
He stood with legs apart and slapped his hands behind his back.
"Can I trust you not to attack these goblins on sight?" asked Pendragon.
"I am only part dwarf you know. I might only partially attack them."
"That's not good enough, I need their special abilities for this mission we're going on."
"What, you mean they need entertaining or something publishing?"
"What."
"Blingtinton Smetherwick's special abilities are working in the entertainment and publishing industries. Or maybe you think his hatred of dwarves is also a special ability?"
Arthur was embarrassed, "Hum, er..."
"Or maybe you need to cook a chicken in red wine?"
"Huh?"
"Jamestown Vinegrette's special ability." Seeing Arthur's obvious confusion he carried on riding him, "What, haven't you read his bio yet?"
"Well, erm..."
"I'll take that as a no then."
This made Arthur angry, "Look, I'm in charge here, and if you can't promise not to attack the goblins then I'll have to leave you behind."
"I don't think the Author'll like that, his most funniest character left behind."
"He will have me?"
Sid shook his head which made Arthur feel uncomfortable.
"Will you promise?" pleaded the commander with his eyes.
"I suppose I could promise not to attack the goblins, unless it's a really funny piece of visual humour that will help to sell the book series."
"What book series?"
Sid tapped his nose with his forefinger in a knowing way.
"Do you knowing something I don't?"
Sid just smiled.
Arthur decided to relent, "I will take your half a promise then. Ask the goblins to come in to see me." He then turned back to read the reports on the other two goblins while Sid exited stage left chased by a bear.  

Friday, 25 March 2016

The TEABAG Goblins part 1



There were goblins, giants and dark elves in SAASA. But for Arthur and Sid to work with goblins then they would have to be or do something special. What could be that special? Or maybe special skills. What special skills could be that special? And why would they be working with the East Anglian? Making chocolate, weapons, fun? And what about the yeti and the Bigfoot that are appearing in the LEGO pictures put on Instagram by the Author, what have they to do with anything? We know that the yeti is Bartram Ginster from Goblins Versus Yetis, but who's the Bigfoot?
So I need some names for some goblins and a Bigfoot and a back story as to why they're working with the East Anglian. Maybe they could be like the French Foreign Legion, a regiment made up of nation-less men, rejects from their own societies. But the Special Operations Section of The East Anglian are supposed to be an elite unit specially trained for behind the lines missions. Maybe they need goblins (and possibly a yeti or Bigfoot) to infiltrate enemy units. It is well known that goblins can smell dwarves and that dwarves can smell goblins. Except that Colour Sergeant Sid Scubbins is not a complete dwarf. He is a hybrid clone who is slightly taller and undwarfish (or should I say undwarvish there?) Ruhtra the shape changer could pretend to be a goblin, a yeti, a Bigfoot, well anything he likes really. But maybe they need more than one.
Right then, names. Bigfoot, Bernard Squatchi. That's good enough, or maybe a North American first name. Mmmmmm, Little Dog Squatchi? Running Bear Squatchi? I know, Soft Ann Squatchi. That's funny enough and it introduces a female Bigfoot.
Now the goblins. They could be upper class goblins who have fallen foul of the Nefad and desire to get back at their previous masters. Upper class goblin names? Blingtinton Smetherwick the III, (good) Jamestown Vinegrette the second Earl of Shortbread. Um, Winston Algebra Tunning-Cymbals. And now the back story.


A long long time ago in a land right next to where you are now, just in a different dimension, there stood a tower, a wicked evil place full of wickedness and evil. This was the hub of the nether region, a sub-dimensional pocket from whence the Nefad were planning their attack on Thera. (No, not the second book in the Theran Chronicles, but their attack on that planet.) If you have read Sid and Arthur's Steampunk Adventure then you will have heard all about the Nefad. They were growing a goblin/Bigfoot/yeti/dark elf clone army with a few giants thrown in for good measure. Traiton, the sentient android was there after his great failure in SAASA. His master was also there, Lord D'ark. They were in the throne room right at the top of the tower conversing in conversation.
“Now is the time for us to attack through the portals into Thera,” said D'ark in a manner similar to Richard III in Richard III.
“Yes my lord," agreed Traiton, "but we need a few more weeks for the goblin army to be fully grown.”
“What do you mean?”
“They are all children at the moment, even though the ageing process has been speeded up. If you don't mind an army of ten year old goblins attacking with the rest of your forces then we can attack straight away.”
“The uniforms I have ordered will be too large for goblin children. They will be attacking in their boiler suits, that won't do at all. Can't we speed the process up?”
“We can my lord, but they will die of old age faster.”
“I don't mind, as long as they can fight and take our objectives on Thera.”
“But we will need them to hold their positions once they're there, the giants, dark elves, yetis and Bigfoots might not be able to do it on their own.”
“Oh well, a couple more weeks will allow the Author to introduce, train and utilise the new TEABAG characters he has just invented for this story.”

Friday, 4 March 2016

New Post

So I managed to write a little more of TEABAG Goblins on Wednesday @ OG Games. I have written about a chapter so far and am planning to put it on my blog as a series for Easter. As nod to OG I am going to call one of the goblins Oggie.

Monday, 21 December 2015

FREE over Christmas!

The East Anglian Bombardiers and Grenadiers will be free over Christmas at Smashwords. I put it on my blog free last Christmas and have only recently finished the cover, as evidenced by the picture above. The current link goes to my Amazon page but once the book is on then I will change the link. Happy Xmas everyone!

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Funny Story




"A funny story eh?" ehed Sid.
"What?" pretended to misunderstand I.
"You know what I said, you just can't do things like 'ehed Sid' to get a laugh you know."
"Why not?"
"People want word play, puns, parody, wit..."
"Tuh woo," tried I to sound like an owl.
"You're worse than Arthur sometimes."
"Oh really, when?"
"Now. and by the way, what's with all the questions?"
"I'm trying to get you to say something funny."
"What did the clown say to his wife to make her laugh?"
"I don't know."
"Something funny, there said it."
I groaned inwardly.