FREE over Christmas!

The East Anglian Bombardiers and Grenadiers will be free over Christmas at Smashwords. I put it on my blog free last Christmas and have only recently finished the cover, as evidenced by the picture above. The current link goes to my Amazon page but once the book is on then I will change the link. Happy Xmas everyone!

Funny Story

"A funny story eh?" ehed Sid.
"What?" pretended to misunderstand I.
"You know what I said, you just can't do things like 'ehed Sid' to get a laugh you know."
"Why not?"

"People want word play, puns, parody, wit..."
"Tuh woo," tried I to sound like an owl.
"You're worse than Arthur sometimes."
"Oh really, when?"
"Now. and by the way, what's with all the questions?"
"I'm trying to get you to say something funny."
"What did the clown say to his wife to make her laugh?"
"I don't know."
"Something funny, there said it."
I groaned inwardly.

Alf

"Did you know that Alfred means elf read or evenly wise?" Sid the dwarf asked of Alf the elf.

"Yes I did," replied Alf.

"So you are the elvenly wise elf."

"Well not really, my name's Alf not Alfred."

"So you're the elf elf then?"

"In a minute I'll use my incredibly accurate bowman skills on you."

"You can't do that, it's not permissible."

"Why?"

"Elf and safety regulations!"

Boom, crash, shudder...

Boom, crash, shudder.

These three words denote some kind of accident or mishap. This could have happened to Sid or Arthur, or not.

It could just be the Author trying to come up with something for #FlashFriday and hoping that if he wrote, "Boom, crash, shudder," something would come to mind. 

"Hah," hahed Sid who was hanging around, "I've come to mind, something in your mind."

"What?" whatted I, "does that make sense?"

"It could mean that I am now minding something in your mind."

"What?"

"I don't know, what are you thinking about?"

"I am supposed to be thinking about Kendra and the Wolf Master."

"Do you mind?"

"What?"

"If I help you."

"It's not supposed to be a comedy you know Sid."

"Is anything you write really funny?"

"What!" exclaimed I, insulted by my own creation.

"Too many whats in this short story," and so he was off before I could make him suffer a boom, crash or shudder.

#FridayFlash

#FridayFlash

"Friday flash," grumped Arthur, "I thought the Flash was on a Tuesday?"

Sid, his little dwarven sidekick replied, "Not the CWTN super hero series, but that type of fiction where the main characters of a book or novel are employed as an advert for that said book or novel."

Arthur looked intently at Sid, "Are you feeling well old friend? It's just that you sound like a bowfin and not your usual surly/humorous self?"

"I assume you meant boffin there and it's been spell checked into bowfin. What is a bowfin by the way?"

"I feel a slight Google moment coming on, by the Author."

So Far

So far I have written about 7,000 words of Kendra and the Wolfmaster or nearly 3 chapters. I am planning to finish it in November.

Today's joke is:-

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles!

New Post

"Has he given up?"
"I don't know."
"Why is this new post called 'New Post'? Is it about the stuff the postman puts through the door every day?"
"Is it?"
"I don't know."
"That makes two of us."

Wolf Master

I am actually getting on with Kendra and the Wolfmaster. Over the past few months I have written about a chapter and a half. I am going to try to get back to my regular 500 words a day. Just stitching what I have together and typing it up. Come on people, encourage me!

Today's joke is:

What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."

Writing

So I actually did some writing today, 270 words! Not planning, sculpting or drawing but writing!!! Continuing where I left off from the 3rd Kendra story.

Today's joke is:

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

UK Games Expo

Went to UK Games Expo Today. I got some FREE games from Poland and Free cards. Also, a signed Fluxx card by Andy Looney, the inventor of Fluxx! If you asked him for a signed card he did a special one for you :)

Kryptos is one of the free Polish ones, a code breaking game.

The other free Polish one is Smart Guy.

Also got a signed card from the Xi inventor.
Vom Kamp Bis Kairo for £3.
Musketeers for £5.
War, Age of Imperialism for £16.

I also wanted another game for £5, Barons, but I didn't have enough cash on me and the cash machine was empty.

So when I was going back to the car I saw a lad outside standing next to bags of games with the same Barons game in one of them. His Dad came over and I said I had wanted it but couldn't afford it, so he gave it to me for £1.85!  :)

Somebody also saw the dwarf I had made and wants me to do some scenery for his successful Kickstarter campaign!

New Britannia map

Today I started drawing the top floor for the New Britannia. I've drawn it twice so far. Also started sculpting the Hotchkiss cannon for Robo Sid.

Colour Sergeant

Over the weekend I finished Robo Arthur. I designed a little more of the campaign yesterday and have nearly finished Colour Sergeant Sid Scubbins of the East Anglian!

Hand moulds

So today I constructed Robo Arthur (or Sid) with glue and the moulds I made last week. I made most of the pieces yesterday and assembled it today. I cannot find my hand mould though so I am making another. It doesn't look at good as the other ones I made and I've had to use a bit of Green Stuff to fill some bubble holes in.

Yesterday I worked on the next stage of the VA campaign. I might write it up some time.

The Planet of Thera

The 5 Kingdoms

Little little

Made most of a smaller head out of green stuff today. Also found my metal man's other leg and made a bit of chainmail. Researched the names of the cities I have already written about in the three Theran Chronicles books for the campaign map. The one I used for the book is a little sparse and a little little.

Ruhtra

I got my scrunts today from Olley's Armies. My king Arthur head is as good so I'll use that for Sid. I don't know whether to convert one of the other bodies or not. Sprayed Gunby, Ruhtra and the midget black yesterday. Have also been working on airship combat.

Scrunts

I have not updated my blog for nearly a week now!!!

I've just been modelling, writing my campaign and coming up with ideas for it. The background I am creating will go towards Andacian Civil War. Of course I will have to change the names...

Today I thought about how energy weapons would work in the game and how ship battles might work. We might have cause to test it on Thursday. Have also finished the Gunby figure today. I might get a chance to paint him tomorrow.

My wife has sent for some scrunts for me. Hopefully one of them will look like Sid the dwarf from TEABAG. I have also started making new moulds for the Robo Sid and Robo Arthur figures (the old ones perished too quickly!)

Gites

Today I babysat some friend's kids and did some modelling and chainmail making. I've had a hankering to make some chainmail for a good few years now. I started making some about 30 years ago when I was doing live role playing, Killer Kastle. I also modelled a Hotchkiss cannon in 1:58 scale, it's 17mm long! Also taught someone how to make an armature and some snotgurgle legs.

On Monday and yesterday I worked on the VA campaign. I think I'm going to introduce them to some Gites.

2 down 1 up

So I wrote a little more of the campaign today and printed out 20 floor plans. I had to think more about the murder and how it was committed and who by and how that linked into the embezzlement and the false arrest. They seemed to enjoy it. I was 2 players down (unforeseen circumstances) but did get an extra one. At this rate I'll end up with the Magnificent Seven!

Planning

Yesterday I managed to write a couple of pages of planning for my VA campaign, Even later on I tried to remember what I had enjoyed earlier in the day and it was the working out of five interrelated missions that the players will have to do. Also wrote a list of emperors and rulers and looked at the political system. 

Today's joke is:

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Real inserts?

I've been all day getting my four metal men ready for tonight then I accidentally dropped one on the floor and snapped his feet and one leg off

I've stuck them back on. I think I'll have to put metal inserts in like I've done with the arms. They didn't snap at all!

(At least with metal inserts they might be REAL metal men!) :)

Easter!

I have not updated my blog for a week now, I must have had an Easter holiday!

I have completed my metal man figurine, I am hoping to use four of them in my IHMN battle on Thursday. I have also done about half of the Andacian dictionary and about 20 phrases. Today I printed out a copy of TVC at York Uni DP for a friend's birthday. Only £7 with a colour cover.

Today's joke is:

A man owned a shredder. When the police came and found him shredding paper, he got arrested. For rustling!

Half Prepared

Didn't do my usual writing stint today as my wife's pupil is on holiday. I have continued to develop the metal man figurine I am working on, his head looks like the robot on Factory of Androids. I also continued on the work for the dictionary, but I've had to put it on the back burner for now. I've found out that the VA campaign starts this week!!! And I'm only half prepared!!!

New Baby

My daughter has had a slow labour. For two days on the trot we have had her kids. Fun for them and us but it means I have done little work and that my wife has not finished her dissertation. But now, at about 8 O'clock this morning, we have a new grandson! :)

Syprian IV

I have been thinking about writing a story about the 17th Lancers on Thera. Maybe I'll add one of them to the Batman the Mechanic and the Cook. I have also worked a little bit on the Theran campaign, a village and who the ruler is. I have also come up with the idea of how the language developed and am working on the dictionary (which I might publish at a later date.)

Today's joke is:

Who's the bees favourite singer?

Sting!

American Civil War

I have made up a 17th Lancer in 1880 uniform from an American Civil War figure. It looks good but i can't get the paint to stick properly on the plastic. I have tried nail polish remover and salt as well as tomato ketchup. any ideas?

Disney?

Still no grand child :( I did make a mould yesterday and cast from it today. I held it too hard while it was setting though and have a hat that is too thin now. Also made an implement out of a soap bottle mechanism to fill a void in the mould (where the head will go.) Tried to watch Steamboy with my grandson and grand daughter. He fell asleep and she wanted to do other things while she watched. It's not Disney and has no princesses in, is this the problem?

New Baby?...

I made a brick wall yesterday, to 1:58 scale. It's about as long as this line----------------------. Bought and started to convert some American Civil War Cavalry to 17th Lancers, I have one so far :) Haven't been able to do much else because we are on call in case my daughter has our fifth grand child. We are the babysitters!

Andacian Civil War

Started working on the ideas for the Theran Campaign at the War Games club. Gave my pitch to run a game of VA and it looks as though it will happen! I might get enough material to write a Theran Chronicles book entitled Andacian Civil War.

Half an hour ago...

I finished the arms and legs of the medic two days ago and have painted the captain and the medic yesterday (or about half an hour ago!) Have felt poorly this last couple of days, the remnants of the flu I caught a couple of weeks ago. Head aches and tooth aches.

Andacian Captain

Yesterday I finished my Andacian captain. I have also cast the medic figure, I will convert it tomorrow. Today I managed to write over 300 words of the third Kendra book. The Tower promotion hasn't gone as well as I hoped it might :(

Today's joke is:

Pollen count - that's a tough job!

International Sculptor

Got to number 6 in the UK charts today with The Tower! Tweeted most of the day and put the word out on the FREE Kindle Facebook groups. Also made a head and a sort of sword for one of my figures. My grand daughter made a good first attempt at a 28mm figure. I think I'll show it to her when she's an international sculptor!

Modelled

Last night I made a base (with no legs) and a body with pins in through the arms and legs. Today I glued the pins to the base and posed the arms. I then modelled an arm with a revolver and both feet/legs. It looks OK so far :)

I also put The Tower on with the new cover. I set up the Kindle FREE promotion and worked on the free website I created 2 years ago. I needed to because I point people to it via the book!

Today's joke is:

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

Reformatted

Today I reformatted The Tower for the giveaway on Saturday. I also did some proof reading and caught a few small errors. I am going to re-do the cover as well.

Today's joke is: (courtesy of Spike Milligan.)

'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.'

Friend

Today I painted figures and taught a friend how to. I will soon have enough to do the front cover for TEABAG, or at least the cover for the Smashwords version.

Today's joke is:

What's yellow and flickers on and off?
A faulty lemon!

Head On

So today I managed to write 250 words of Kendra III. I also finished a new mould, with a head on this time, but tore it as I was removing it. It probably had not dried out enough. Since though, I have repaired it with latex, we'll have to see whether I get a line across the bottom of the jacket once it's been cast.

Today's joke is:


If you’re being chased by a police dog; try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!

The Batman, the Mechanic and the Cook

And now we see the small camp near the edge of the Tyreen ursad, where the East Anglian Bombardiers and Grenadiers have their base. Well, we don’t see it, I am describing it to you. A few huts scattered around a parade ground. So far there are 13 people we know about and this story is about the ones that haven’t been in a story before.

"We need some baked beans," moaned Cook the cook as she stared at the empty space on the shelves.
Popping his head round the door was Bateman the batman, "Everything alright dear?"
"What do you want," she said grumpily, her hands on her hips.
"His Lordship sent me for a cup of coffee. You got any?"
"I suppose I could knock up a cup. If you're waiting around you can do something for me." she looked at him with a look that made him think he'd better comply.
"What do you want dear?"
"I need some beans from town, can you go for me?"
"I'll have to get permission, and some kind of transport."
"Go and ask Mick the mechanic, he's got a steamo."

So after she had made some coffee, and it was served, Bateman went to see the Australian mechanic.

In the hangar Bateman could hear banging and crashing coming from the workshop there. “Mick?” he called.

From beneath a steamo came a muffled voice, “What?”

“Can you take me into town for some baked beans?”

“I don’t know, can I?”

“Can, get it. A can of beans.”

Mick slid out from beneath the steamo, “Now I don’t want any of that malarkey if I have to take you into town.” He stood up and wiped his oily hands on an old rag, “So you got permission then?”

“I only needed to ask Dr Googly, everyone else is on a secret mission.”

“Where’s that then?”

“Andacia, the Tower of Tarrelo.”

“That’s not a very secret mission if you know where they’ve gone.”

“I’m not supposed to know really, I was just helping the Colonel get into his uniform and he was chatting to the Colour Sergeant through the door.”

“What colour was the Sergeant?”

“Pink I think?”

“Hrumph,” hrumphed Mick. “You’re not very funny are you? Let’s get a coffee first and then I’ll take you into town.

So they all went to see Cook for a coffee.

Introduction

Managed to write about 100 words today for the FlashFiction bit I am doing tomorrow. Also have a few ideas for the introduction.

Today's joke is:

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted!

Hardener

Yesterday I sculpted a miniature head at Waitrose. Today I hatted it, but it's still soft. I must have used too little hardener. I also wrote 6 words today, the title of the #FlashFriday piece I am planning to write.

Enough Time

I've done no writing today. I delivered some local mags and helped my son-in-law by taking his car to the MOT test station. Saw the grand kids and showed them my Andacians. I nearly have 5 now! However the rifle I made is difficult to cast and I think I'll have to make it in a different way. I did go to Waitrose and my son did ask if I was going to do any writing, but I felt as though I didn't have enough time.

Spamalot

I cycled into York today to get the tickets to watch Spamalot. It was cold and I wished I had dressed up warmer.

Tonight my wife and I went with friends to see Spamalot. Even though we were in restricted seats it wasn't that bad. It was very enjoyable, lots of 4th wall breaking :)

Kendra III

I did manage to write 151 words of Kendra III yesterday. I also fixed the bottom of the leg mould and cast it over night. It's a bit sticky but it'll do.

"It's a bit sticky but it'll do," said the person looking at the sticky buns in the coffee shop.

Another day

Today I seemed to be messing around too much trying to get my daughter's car through its MOT (failed!) So I didn't write anything. I did however release the base mould of my figure. I have also started to add more latex to it to make it cast better. I had wanted to get my grandkids to make a soldier each but that will have to wait for another day.

51

I managed to write 51 words today, in Waitrose. I also finished coating the base and legs of my model in latex. It could be ready tomorrow to cast (which I might do with my grandkids!) Got more glue from the £ shop and asked about cold cast resin at Hobby Craft.

Today's joke is:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it!

Top half

Today I took the mould off my figure so that my grandson could see what I was doing. (I snapped the legs off though and had to glue them back on.) I also finished coating the new mould that is just the top half, so I can attach the legs at a later date. I put a pre made head on him and a rifle and painted him tonight. I think he looks pretty good!

Today's joke is:

What kind of music do elves like best?
Wrap music!

Mould

Had a bad nights sleep, thought I could keep adding layers to the mould when I woke up, through the night, as I do, but just feel tired now. Got to seven layers and left it for another 8 hours. I then sliced the model out through the base, (so I didn't break the model.) Fixed the mould with more latex then used epoxy resin glue, from the £ shop, to make a casting. Because the calves were so small I had to coat the inside of the mould with hardener with a straightened hair grip. I then had to fill the base space up with the glue then push it into the body through the calves. There are hardly any bubbles in it and I will know if it has worked in 16 hours. It looks good so far :)

Today's joke is:

"What do we want? Time Travel. When do we want it? It's irrelevant!"

3rd coat

Woke up at about 7 am this morning. I finished the arm and the collar last night so I did the belt from his right shoulder today. I am currently on the 3rd coat of latex. If I can do another 5 coats before I go to bed then he should be ready to cast by tomorrow sometime!!!

Busy Day

Had a busy day today, picking up, dropping people off and babysitting my grandson for my daughter's baby shower. So all I have done so far is make an arm for my figure. I have only just taken the collar back off (it wasn't central) and mixed some more Green Stuff to try to do another arm before I go to bed.

Today's joke is:

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Andacian

I printed out The Inventor so that I could dissect it. People like that short story and I was trying to figure out how I could improve Kendra by adding thought processes to it. It also means I wrote about 65 words of KATWM. I have also sculpted a base, pair of boots, long coat and a collar of an Andacian. You can see the picture below.

A joke I made up on Sunday.

Somebody was using a clamp on a guitar and somebody else told them to move it. "Five frets!"

So I said, "Your mother, your father, your brother, your sister and your rabbit are going to get it unless you move the guitar clamp..."

Pageful

Today I managed to playtest the Arth card game at the board games club in York. At last! They were gracious enough to say that they were getting into it at the end. And now I have a pageful of stuff to think about and work on to try to make it better. I could have won but... I completely left out a card I needed in my deck!!! (That's because I haven't made it yet!)

English Civil War

So it's got to #FlashFriday and I haven't written anything. That's great for my plans of writing something every Friday. I walked to the games club tonight and it wasn't on. so I walked back home again, then was taken for a coffee at Waitrose. I suppose I could have done some writing there but instead I started to read up on the English Civil War. I might have to help a friend out later in the year for a tour, so I thought I'd make a start. Learned the dates, 1642 to 1651. Also that the English thought the Irish and the Scottish were barbarians. I suppose this might be good research for any book I may write in the future. I wonder where my Irish ancestors were in the 1640s? If you believe the heraldic shops then in a castle somewhere but probably in an Irish bog though, cutting peat. (Not cutting Pete, who happens to be an Irish friend of mine :) )

Mr Jack

No writing today. But I did use the paints I bought yesterday to start painting two of my gun crew. Also started to repair the front room wall. Explained to someone how Mr Jack works as well.

Today's joke is:

What if the whole 'Ice-Bucket Challenge' is just a long game to bring down the wicked witch of the West?

Vapnartak

I did manage to write about 200 words of the new Kendra novel yestereday, in a coldish car in the semi dark. I also went to Vapnartak on Sunday and got some good deals on figures. Today I have painted a gunner, but I don't like the brush and I don't like the paint. I'll have to buy some more.

Acomb

Didn't do any writing today but got an idea for another card to help the Horror deck work properly. Also got a few more card games from the charity shops in Acomb. Did start to look at the Horror deck but ran out of time.

Today's joke is:

I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato!

Easter

I managed to find what I'd done for the beginning of Kendra and the Wolf Master today. I edited it a bit and typed it in on my iPad. I think it's quite good. I also might start putting it here on my blog for Easter!

Today's joke is:

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success!

Two Cards

I have done no writing for the past two days. Today I did work out the two cards I want to put in the Horror deck though, I will play test it at the weekend with the grandkids!

Today's joke is:

Exaggerations went up by a million per cent last year!

Horror Deck

While waiting for my wife in the car I planned a little of the background for Kendra and the Wolf Master. Trying to solve a few problems before doing some actual writing. Over the weekend have been sorting out the card game, need to add some more skills to the Horror deck or make some skill defeaters.

Today's joke is:

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one :(

Biscotti

I went to the Jumblies today. While having a cup of coffee and cake I came up with the idea to add more black cards to the deck, 15 altogether. I had a few ideas for extra cards at the pastor's house then went to Waitrose with my son for another coffee. While eating a biscotti and drinking my coffee I rubbed out some old cards and created 7 new black ones. When I playtested it it worked much better :)

#FlashFiction

Made up the 11 Arth cards I needed to make 4 decks, cut them out etc, then never got a chance to play it! Played Empire Engine at last (the P&P version I made for the club) and Catan again.

Wrote this piece of #FlashFiction while I was waiting for my takeaway:

I need three other characters for the special TEABAG set I am making for the Arth card game.

"Sorry, are you speaking to me?" asked Colonel Arthur Pendragon.
"Well not really," I replied.
"My batman?"
"Batman?"
"Yes, Bateman the batman."
"The man who does your clothes, not the Dark Knight?"
"Of course, you've just got to say it correctly to understand, [bat-muh n], phonetically."
"OK then, who else?"
"Mike the mechanic?"
"That's a good one, you would need a mechanic, especially with an airship. I can also make jokes about the pop group."
"Eh?"
"Never mind, what about the third?"
"The cook?"
"Cook?"
"Yes, Cook the cook."
"All right then, that's three more characters that are not integral to the main story but are good support staff to have."
"So a good piece of #FlashFiction then, especially for #FlashFriday!"

Beyond Monopoly

I inked in Igraine and drew me but then found out that I hadn't done Battle Chieftain Arthur. So I drew him and scanned him in late last night and also formatted and printed out the first nine cards. You never know, I might get to test 4 decks at Beyond Monopoly on Friday night!

Hoover

Rested most of the day, found Settlers of Catan (one of my Christmas presents) and learned how to play it by looking at YouTube. Also cleaned the Hoover out so I can (eventually) clean out the laser printer.

Today's joke is:

A man has died after falling into a barrel of coffee, it was instant!

Igraine

Have been poorly over the weekend so done little. Drew two pictures on Friday and one today. Also read through ADC to figure out another two characters for the card game. One will be Igraine, Arthur's mother and the other will be the avatar of the Author, me!

Today's joke is:

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

Photocard.

Yesterday, meaning an hour ago, I managed to draw one drawing. I also scanned the 7 pictures in I had done already. Tried printing out the Mystic Warlords of Ka'a,. They look nice but they're the wrong size, I also need 50 sheets of photocard!

Charity shop!

Yesterday I managed to do three drawings and I inked two in. Today I drew one and inked two in. I also read through most of the writing books I borrowed from the library, well the pieces about the internal voice anyway. The best book seemed to be the one I got from a charity shop!

Today's joke is:

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now!

Local Library

I played NTW for much of the day. I did manage to draw two pictures though (which means I've finished the Horror Dimension bad guys.) I also took 4 pages of notes from the Creative Writing Handbook I've borrowed from the local library.

Today's joke is:

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

Printed Out

Printed out a box and the rules for the game I gave to the board games club. Didn't do any drawing today but did print out doubles of some of the cards for the Arth game just in case. 

Enjoyed 3 games at the board games club and lost all of them!

Today's joke is:

A day without sunshine is like, night.

I managed to do 3 drawings today, but don't think I'll have enough done to playtest it at the board games club though with 4 players.

Printed out some PNP cards.

Today's joke is:

The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

Terrible Time

Had a terrible time at the York Writers Circle yesterday.

I managed to do one drawing today and read a little of the How to Write book.

What grows up by growing down?

A Goose!

The New Year

So now we are into a new year, let's hope this is the one. Everyone hopes that this is the one, every year. We'll see, by the end of the year.

I have finished my little experiment for Christmas, 500 words a day on The East Anglian. I got 10 days ahead before the 1st of December so I would be able to do it without getting too stressed and also be able to have some time off over Christmas. I now need to work on the cover and proof read it again before I put it on Smashwords. I hope you all enjoyed it!

Today I drew another picture for the Arth card game. I might play test it at the board games club on Friday. I also started to sew another jacket. I am planning to try to do one drawing and one jacket per day.

Today's joke is:

I once bought my son a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”

TEABAG epilogue

EPILOGUE

I do not want to use the word so, (and now?) And now we have come to the end, almost. Arthur and the others escaped with the Hoo codebook without being squashed or dismembered. They did however meet Richard III again and his tea pirates but they soon saw them off.
When they got back to base each of them went to see the doctor (I’ve only just realised I need a doctor character to re-enact TEABAG battles with the In Her Majesty’s Name miniatures system.) His name? Well I want it Victorian, so, Doctor Googly. I did consider Dr Google but I couldn’t find out on Google if it was a surname, it also gives me chance to make a few cricket jokes if I need to.
“Enter,” commanded Dr Googly from his surgery desk.
It was Plattington, after all we were supposed to be developing his backstory. He nodded as he entered.
“Sit down please Bombardier.”
Plattington sat down quite gingerly.
“What’s wrong Plattington, where were you injured?”
“In the battle with the Tower giant.”
“And where is that euphemism on your body?”
The corporal winked at the doctor to show him his bruised eye.
Peering through his spectacles Googly commented, “Is that all man.” He threw a tube of cream over the desk, “Here, this’ll help bring the bruising out. How did you do it?”
“It was on the tea break Sir, while I was drinking tea.”
“Try taking the spoon out of the cup in future. Next.”

TEABAG part 35

Now if I wanted a laugh, I could make the GTG get up by doing a bit of a breakdance, I could also talk about my attempts at trying to spin on my back in the early 80s... But I won't, instead the GTG (I've forgotten what GTG means? Something Tower Giant, I'll have to try to remember the first word later) it sat up, put one hand on the floor, bent its knees then started to force itself onto its feet.
“We need to try to keep it on the floor,” suggested Gunby to Robo Sid and Robo Arthur who were the only three who could possibly take it on physically, “while it's still crouching,”
The Robos both ran to the arm that was doing the pushing and together they tried to pull it back. Gunby also joined in and for a short while they managed, between them, to prevent it from pushing itself onto its feet.
Ruhtra sat on a barrel and began to polish his nails on the collar of his jacket and look at them.
“Look at him,” said Sid to Arthur, “sitting on a barrel, I wish he was sitting on the barrel of a gun!”
To no avail, (or to know a veil?) the Robos and Gunby couldn't hold back the incredible strength of the Guard Tower Giant (remembered!) It stood to its full height and swiped, with its right hand, the three of them away. The Robos and Gunby went smashing through a well-built fence.
“Is it my turn yet?” asked Ruhtra as he looked at Arthur.
“You mean you can help?” he thought for a second, “Of course you can, you can turn yourself into another Tower Giant and beat it up!” said Arthur rubbing hands together in glee at his idea.
“I don’t have enough Zathanian fluids in me to do that, I could get to the size but I’d be like a blimp, full of air, ready to be punctured.”
“Well what are you going to do then?”
“I think I’ll go for a fly,” he then turned into a small bird and hopped off of the barrel into flight.

Up, up the little bird flew and landed on the shoulder of the Tower giant. He/it then proceeded to preen him/itself. The Tower giant turned to where Arthur and the others were hiding. The right hand took a firing position and began to click. Sid got very nervous, “I think it's going to shoot us!”
Arthur looked up at Ruhtra, “What's he doing, he's preening himself!”
“You don't think he's waiting 'til the last second do you?”
“You know, I think he is.”
“What happens if he fails?”
“Let's run then,” he turned his head slightly and ordered the rest, “RUN!”
“Tur tut,” tutted the little bird, “don't they trust me?” Ruhtra flew into the earhole of the giant and turned into a slithering snake. He plopped onto the floor and heard the captain saying, “On my mark fire...”
“Cancel that order,” said the shape changer in the voice of the captain as he also formed into the guard's leader.
“I say,” said the captain, “who are you?”
“You,” replied Ruhtra as he made his fist very large and bopped the captain on the chin, knocking him out.
“Captain, Captain,” the right hand controller called through the comms system.
“Power down Right Hand Controller. I've received new orders. We need to help them instead. Are you fat by the way?”
“Why?”
“I could call you the fat controller.”
“Sorry Sir?”
“Never mind, just put your hand out near the tree so they can climb up into their airship.”
The Right Hand Controller paused for a bit, then replied with, “Yes Sir.”

TEABAG part 34

From the hay bales Arthur and the others had just about calmed down. “Righto, back to the airship,” he ordered. But first, ominously, they heard a giant creaking from the top of the Tower.
“Wassat?” lingoed Sid.
It was the top of the Tower. It began to writhe and shudder and creak and cronk. It also began to move, upwards, on giant metal legs. It was a huge steam driven Transformbot (so as not to get done by the trademark police.) When it had stood to its full height of 60 feet it swayed slightly then jumped off the top. It landed it shook the whole courtyard, some of Arthur’s men even fell over because of the shock wave.
“How are we going to defeat that?” wondered Sid, “Especially without the Author’s help.”
Gunby turned his Hotchkiss cannon onto the thing’s legs and blasted away, but the transformbot’s armour plating was too thick.
The captain of the guard ordered his left arm to, “Swipe at them.”
The reply was, “Did you say wipe them Captain, because I can’t see a cloth big enough to do that anywhere near the left arm,”
“Swipe man, swipe!” gurgled the captain at he made the Transformbot shake its head from side to side.
“The armour is too thick, even for the Hotchkiss cannon,” warned the half giant.
“Has it got a bundle of wires at the back of its neck, like a metal man?” asked the colonel.
“I can’t see, it has its back towards us,” replied Robo Sid.
“Make it turn around then, so we can see.”
“And how are we supposed to do that?”
“Make it chase you.”
“Why me?”
“You’re expendable, or at least re-buildable, we aren’t.”
As best he could Robo Sid tried to pull a disgruntled face but with what he had to work with it looked more like a serious face. He turned towards the walking tower and yelled at the head, “Your mother was a latrine,” then he started to run through its legs.
The giant tower wobbled a little from side to side and could not stop Robo Sid from escaping that way. “Did that metal man just say my mother was a latrine?” he asked somebody but somebody wasn’t there to listen to him. He gave commands to the rest of the body, “Legs turn around, give chase to that metal man.”
Now, as already has been mentioned, the fellow controlling the left leg wasn’t as experienced as the man he had to replace. He had to spin the foot around to go left, but he went right instead. The guard controlling the right leg then moved his leg and foot correctly, straight into the left foot.
“Oh no,” realised the captain, but too late, “I’m just like a rabbit with mixamatosis.”
Now I wondered how I could fit that into the way Ruhtra turned into a rabbit earlier but I couldn’t warren it.
The giant walking tower began to fall backwards towards Arthur and those with him.
“We’re going to be squashed!” whined Sid as he and the others tried to high tail it over the hay bales. He also shouted to Arthur as he ran beneath an arch, “There were no bundles at the back of its neck. Are you happy now?”
“No, not really, but I’ll have to have a heart to heart with you when we finish this adventure.”
Crashing down on top of the hay bales served to break the G.T.Gs fall. The crew were protected from harm by their surroundings. “Get to standing position,” he ordered the arms and legs.

TEABAG part 33

Gunby picked up a couple of bales and positioned them to the left. The others moved the others until they had made the redoubt (well, not really, but they used the term in Zulu and so I wanted to.)

“What’s this?” asked the captain of the guard, who was milling around with Arthur until the bale defences were complete.

“What?” whatted Arthur as both sides rallied to each other. In the middle of them both he looked every which way but where he was supposed to.

“Get over to the redoubt,” called Sid.

“La Redoute?” queried the colonel.

“I did not mean get over to the French fashion shop that does not exist yet, I meant GET OVER HERE!” screamed Sid as he brandished his plasma rifle and gestured to the colonel.

“Brandishing and gesturing eh?” commented Robo Sid, “next you’ll be basting and garnishing with all the celebrity chefs on TV, in the future of course.”

Sergeant Sid decided to let his robo counterpart get away with that one, seeing as it wasn’t very good, then readied himself to catch Arthur who was diving over the hay bales as a hail of bullets heralded battle.

“That gave me the heebie jeebies,” shivered Arthur.

“What, the diving over the hay bales?” asked Plattington as he shot two enemy guards with one round.

“No,” replied the colonel, “all those Hs and Bs in the Author’s description.”

The battle was underway. An order was given by the captain of the guard to fix bayonets. His second in charge said, “But they’re not broken, and we don’t have any tools anyway.”

“Are you second in charge?”

“Of course Sir, why?”

“Well I want you to charge second in charge. CHARGE!” he ordered the men, of whom only some had fixed bayonets.

His men bounded after him, well ten of them anyway, the ones who could hear among all the din that was being made. The captain made it to the hay bales but was driven off, in a sports car I think. This made the other attackers think twice, once when they looked at each other for moral support and the other when one of them saw the captain riding around in a completely unrealistic sports car.

The Hotchkiss cannon blazed into action under Gunby’s direction killing a few but making the others run to cover.

Seeing that they were outgunned, and after he had got out of the sports car, the captain ordered that the men retreat to the walls.

When Arthur and his men saw that they were scampering away they began to cheer.

“That was easy,” Tresham nodded to the corporal/bombardier.

But that would have been too easy.

Making his way up to the control centre the captain then spoke through a Tannoy type system (obviously Tannoy wasn’t around yet so what am I going to say? Well, maybe I could have used public address system. The trouble is though that if I had used the initials P.A. you might have thought he was talking into a personal assistant!)

“Can I get on with the announcement now Author?” he queried me.

I let him.

“All G.T.G. personnel get into position.”

His second in charge spoke back to him through the same system, “Donkins is dead, Tupple is badly wounded.”

“Get others to take their positions.”

“But the others are not as well trained as Donkins and Tupple?”

“We’ll have to make do.”

“But we might have a limp and a loose left hand?”

“I don’t care if we walk like an Egyptian as long as we kill the interlopers.”

TEABAG part 32

“I need one correctly plugged in arm, the right/left one doesn’t connect properly, so it’s useless, a bit like you most of the time.”
Robo Arthur bounced up and down a little in frustration, “Just plug me a right arm into my right arm socket,” he told the guard who was trying to help him, “then I can hit him with something.”
The other guard complied, put a right arm on Robo Arthur and handed him the other one. Robo Arthur then proceeded to chase Robo Sid, passing Arthur and even the king, brandishing the other right arm.
Now things would have gone quite well for them all except that I decided that the king (of course you knew it was Ruhtra didn’t you?) walked through a quite randomly placed electric field. As you also know, electric fields destabilise the shape changing ability of shape changers. Ruhtra tried to hold himself together, as somebody might do just before they think they can stop themselves from vomiting. He started to go a luminous green, his head got bigger, he clenched his lips together, then flubbled into a green gelatinous ooze on the floor.
“The king is dead,” cried the captain of the guard when he saw what happened.
“What do we do now?” thought Arthur.
“What do we do now?” chimed the captain of the guard (almost, with the slight inflection on the we.)
I suppose Arthur and the others could get on the Talent and escape, that would be quick. Except that I haven’t done enough words or the thing that I was planning to. How to get them there though?
One of the guards, who was a bit detectiveish, put his finger in the goo that both was and is Ruhtra, “This is not the king!”
(No that won’t work, that starts a big battle with 60 guards that they just shouldn’t be able to win.)
They need to get rid of the guards, then get found out, then encounter the [I know what and you will soon when I start writing about it] but how? Do I have my Christmas mince pie and cuppa while I think about it?
Still no ideas. So…Ruhtra managed to slime out of the electric field and coagulated himself into a green ball. It took him a few moments but he managed to form himself into a rabbit and scampered off beneath the tree where the Talent was parked.
Plattington saw the rabbit, and because we’re supposed to be fleshing out his back story, he had a little rabbit when he was a kid and…
Now Sid didn’t want the readers to have to suffer from inane babble about bunnies and butterflies so, because he was quite lose to a pile of hay bales, he nodded to the others. Arthur milled around a bit, waiting for inspiration.