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Saturday, 15 April 2017

Easter Present: The Teabag Goblins part 1

It is a whole year after the time I wanted to give out The TEABAG Goblins as a present, last Easter. I have finally finished the handwritten story and typed most of it in (yesterday.) So without much ado, continue...

The TEABAG Goblins part 1

There were goblins, giants and dark elves in SAASA. But for Arthur and Sid to work with goblins then they would have to be or do something special. What could be that special? Or maybe special skills. What special skills could be that special? And why would they be working with the East Anglian? Making chocolate, weapons, fun? And what about the yeti and the Bigfoot that are appearing in the LEGO pictures put on Instagram by the Author, what have they to do with anything? We know that the yeti is Bartram Ginster from Goblins Versus Yetis, but who's the Bigfoot?
So I need some names for some goblins and a Bigfoot and a back story as to why they're working with the East Anglian. Maybe they could be like the French Foreign Legion, a regiment made up of nation-less men, rejects from their own societies. But the Special Operations Section of The East Anglian are supposed to be an elite unit specially trained for behind the lines missions. Maybe they need goblins (and possibly a yeti or Bigfoot) to infiltrate enemy units. It is well known that goblins can smell dwarves and that dwarves can smell goblins. Except that Colour Sergeant Sid Scubbins is not a complete dwarf. He is a hybrid clone who is slightly taller and undwarfish (or should I say undwarvish there?) Ruhtra the shape changer could pretend to be a goblin, a yeti, a Bigfoot, well anything he likes really. But maybe they need more than one.
Right then, names. Bigfoot, Bernard Squatchi. That's good enough, or maybe a North American first name. Mmmmmm, Little Dog Squatchi? Running Bear Squatchi? I know, Soft Ann Squatchi. That's funny enough and it introduces a female Bigfoot. Now the goblins. They could be upper class goblins who have fallen foul of the Nefad and desire to get back at their previous masters. Upper class goblin names? Blingtinton Smetherwick the III, (good) Jamestown Vinegrette the second Earl of Shortbread. Um, Winston Algebra Tunning-Cymbals. And now the back story.
A long long time ago in a land right next to where you are now, just in a different dimension, there stood a tower, a wicked evil place full of wickedness and evil. This was the hub of the nether region, a sub-dimensional pocket from whence the Nefad were planning their attack on Thera. (No, not the second book in the Theran Chronicles, but their attack on that planet.) If you have read Sid and Arthur's Steampunk Adventure then you will have heard all about the Nefad. They were growing a goblin/Bigfoot/yeti/dark elf clone army with a few giants thrown in for good measure. Traiton, the sentient android was there after his great failure in SAASA. His master was also there, Lord D'ark. They were in the throne room right at the top of the tower conversing in conversation.
“Now is the time for us to attack through the portals into Thera,” said D'ark in a manner similar to Richard III in Richard III.
“Yes my lord,” agreed Traiton, “but we need a few more weeks for the goblin army to be fully grown.”
“What do you mean?”
“They are all children at the moment, even though the ageing process has been speeded up. If you don't mind an army of ten year old goblins attacking with the rest of your forces then we can attack straight away.”
“The uniforms I have ordered will be too large for goblin children. They will be attacking in their boiler suits, that won't do at all. Can't we speed the process up?”
“We can my lord, but they will die of old age faster.”
“I don't mind, as long as they can fight and take our objectives on Thera.”
“But we will need them to hold their positions once they're there, the giants, dark elves, yetis and Bigfoots might not be able to do it on their own.”
“Oh well, a couple more weeks will allow the Author to introduce, train and utilise the new TEABAG characters he has just invented for this story.”

Colonel Arthur Pendragon (OOT) was looking at the document files concerning the new goblin personnel that were being made to be part of the East Anglian Special Operations Section. "Blingtinton Smetherwick III, how pretentious," he went on to read out loud, "the seventh son of the king of the Flauban goblins. Has previously worked in both entertainment and publishing industries. Highly intelligent but also a snob. Dislikes dwarves intensely but manages to keep a lid on it." He mused for a second, "I hope that Sid can keep a lid on it."
"On what?" asked his teacup.
Derisively Arthur rebuked his cup, "Would you stop turning yourself into different items to try to get early intel on our operations!"
The cup morphed into Ruhtra, the shape changer. "I say, not enough caffeine in your tea? Grumpy and tired still?"
"Pish posh," pish poshed Arthur as he wafted the documents around in front of Ruhtra, "away with you, and see if you can get Sid for me."
"I am a liaison officer not a servant."
"You can be anything you like, you're a shape changer."
Huffing, Ruhtra left the room to get Colour Sergeant Sid Scubbins.
Sid then entered the room, regimentally, and saluted.
"Very regimental Sid, now at ease,” spoke Arthur.
He stood with legs apart and slapped his hands behind his back.
"Can I trust you not to attack these goblins on sight?" asked Pendragon.
"I am only part dwarf you know. I might only partially attack them."
"That's not good enough, I need their special abilities for this mission we're going on."
"What, you mean they need entertaining or something publishing?"
"Blingtinton Smetherwick's special abilities are working in the entertainment and publishing industries. Or maybe you think his hatred of dwarves is also a special ability?"
Arthur was embarrassed, "Hum, er..."
"Or maybe you need to cook a chicken in red wine?"
"Jamestown Vinegrette's special ability." Seeing Arthur's obvious confusion he carried on riding him, "What, haven't you read his bio yet?"
"Well, erm..."
"I'll take that as a no then."
This made Arthur angry, "Look, I'm in charge here, and if you can't promise not to attack the goblins then I'll have to leave you behind."
"I don't think the Author'll like that, his most funniest character left behind."
"He will have me?"
Sid shook his head which made Arthur feel uncomfortable.
"Will you promise?" pleaded the commander with his eyes.
"I suppose I could promise not to attack the goblins, unless it's a really funny piece of visual humour that will help to sell the book series."
"What book series?"
Sid tapped his nose with his forefinger in a knowing way.
"Do you knowing something I don't?"

Sid just smiled. Arthur decided to relent, "I will take your half a promise then. Ask the goblins to come in to see me." He then turned back to read the reports on the other two goblins while Sid exited stage left chased by a bear.

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