The TEABAG Goblins part 1
There were goblins,
giants and dark elves in SAASA. But for Arthur and Sid to work with
goblins then they would have to be or do something special. What
could be that special? Or maybe special skills. What special skills
could be that special? And why would they be working with the East
Anglian? Making chocolate, weapons, fun? And what about the yeti and
the Bigfoot that are appearing in the LEGO pictures put on Instagram
by the Author, what have they to do with anything? We know that the
yeti is Bartram Ginster from Goblins Versus Yetis, but who's the
Bigfoot?
So I need some names for
some goblins and a Bigfoot and a back story as to why they're working
with the East Anglian. Maybe they could be like the French Foreign
Legion, a regiment made up of nation-less men, rejects from their own
societies. But the Special Operations Section of The East Anglian are
supposed to be an elite unit specially trained for behind the lines
missions. Maybe they need goblins (and possibly a yeti or Bigfoot) to
infiltrate enemy units. It is well known that goblins can smell
dwarves and that dwarves can smell goblins. Except that Colour
Sergeant Sid Scubbins is not a complete dwarf. He is a hybrid clone
who is slightly taller and undwarfish (or should I say undwarvish
there?) Ruhtra the shape changer could pretend to be a goblin, a
yeti, a Bigfoot, well anything he likes really. But maybe they need
more than one.
Right then, names.
Bigfoot, Bernard Squatchi. That's good enough, or maybe a North
American first name. Mmmmmm, Little Dog Squatchi? Running Bear
Squatchi? I know, Soft Ann Squatchi. That's funny enough and it
introduces a female Bigfoot. Now the goblins. They could be upper
class goblins who have fallen foul of the Nefad and desire to get
back at their previous masters. Upper class goblin names? Blingtinton
Smetherwick the III, (good) Jamestown Vinegrette the second Earl of
Shortbread. Um, Winston Algebra Tunning-Cymbals. And now the back
story.
A long long time ago in a
land right next to where you are now, just in a different dimension,
there stood a tower, a wicked evil place full of wickedness and evil.
This was the hub of the nether region, a sub-dimensional pocket from
whence the Nefad were planning their attack on Thera. (No, not the
second book in the Theran Chronicles, but their attack on that
planet.) If you have read Sid and Arthur's Steampunk Adventure then
you will have heard all about the Nefad. They were growing a
goblin/Bigfoot/yeti/dark elf clone army with a few giants thrown in
for good measure. Traiton, the sentient android was there after his
great failure in SAASA. His master was also there, Lord D'ark. They
were in the throne room right at the top of the tower conversing in
conversation.
“Now is the time for us
to attack through the portals into Thera,” said D'ark in a manner
similar to Richard III in Richard III.
“Yes my lord,” agreed
Traiton, “but we need a few more weeks for the goblin army to be
fully grown.”
“What do you mean?”
“They are all children
at the moment, even though the ageing process has been speeded up. If
you don't mind an army of ten year old goblins attacking with the
rest of your forces then we can attack straight away.”
“The uniforms I have
ordered will be too large for goblin children. They will be attacking
in their boiler suits, that won't do at all. Can't we speed the
process up?”
“We can my lord, but
they will die of old age faster.”
“I don't mind, as long
as they can fight and take our objectives on Thera.”
“But we will need them
to hold their positions once they're there, the giants, dark elves,
yetis and Bigfoots might not be able to do it on their own.”
“Oh well, a couple more
weeks will allow the Author to introduce, train and utilise the new
TEABAG characters he has just invented for this story.”
Colonel Arthur Pendragon
(OOT) was looking at the document files concerning the new goblin
personnel that were being made to be part of the East Anglian Special
Operations Section. "Blingtinton Smetherwick III, how
pretentious," he went on to read out loud, "the seventh son
of the king of the Flauban goblins. Has previously worked in both
entertainment and publishing industries. Highly intelligent but also
a snob. Dislikes dwarves intensely but manages to keep a lid on it."
He mused for a second, "I hope that Sid can keep a lid on it."
"On what?"
asked his teacup.
Derisively Arthur rebuked
his cup, "Would you stop turning yourself into different items
to try to get early intel on our operations!"
The cup morphed into
Ruhtra, the shape changer. "I say, not enough caffeine in your
tea? Grumpy and tired still?"
"Pish posh,"
pish poshed Arthur as he wafted the documents around in front of
Ruhtra, "away with you, and see if you can get Sid for me."
"I am a liaison
officer not a servant."
"You can be anything
you like, you're a shape changer."
Huffing, Ruhtra left the
room to get Colour Sergeant Sid Scubbins.
Sid then entered the
room, regimentally, and saluted.
"Very regimental
Sid, now at ease,” spoke Arthur.
He stood with legs apart
and slapped his hands behind his back.
"Can I trust you not
to attack these goblins on sight?" asked Pendragon.
"I am only part
dwarf you know. I might only partially attack them."
"That's not good
enough, I need their special abilities for this mission we're going
on."
"What, you mean they
need entertaining or something publishing?"
"What."
"Blingtinton
Smetherwick's special abilities are working in the entertainment and
publishing industries. Or maybe you think his hatred of dwarves is
also a special ability?"
Arthur was embarrassed,
"Hum, er..."
"Or maybe you need to cook a chicken in red wine?"
"Or maybe you need to cook a chicken in red wine?"
"Huh?"
"Jamestown
Vinegrette's special ability." Seeing Arthur's obvious confusion
he carried on riding him, "What, haven't you read his bio yet?"
"Well, erm..."
"I'll take that as a
no then."
This made Arthur angry,
"Look, I'm in charge here, and if you can't promise not to
attack the goblins then I'll have to leave you behind."
"I don't think the
Author'll like that, his most funniest character left behind."
"He will have me?"
Sid shook his head which
made Arthur feel uncomfortable.
"Will you promise?"
pleaded the commander with his eyes.
"I suppose I could
promise not to attack the goblins, unless it's a really funny piece
of visual humour that will help to sell the book series."
"What book series?"
Sid tapped his nose with
his forefinger in a knowing way.
"Do you knowing
something I don't?"
Sid just smiled. Arthur
decided to relent, "I will take your half a promise then. Ask
the goblins to come in to see me." He then turned back to read
the reports on the other two goblins while Sid exited stage left
chased by a bear.
